


Beautiful Boy

by KrisLetang



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/M, Family Feels, Fatherhood, Late Night Conversations, Mutual Pining, Single Parents
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-03
Updated: 2020-01-18
Packaged: 2020-10-06 02:22:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 27,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20499293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KrisLetang/pseuds/KrisLetang
Summary: Rafael opens his door and finds something that will change his life forever. Liv helps him figure out how to adjust.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is really something close to my heart. It's still a WIP, but I'm going to start working on it again soon, and hopefully I'll have a few more updates before long.
> 
> I really wrote this as some personal therapy, so it's very personal and I suppose somewhat self indulgent. I'll be updating the tags as I go.
> 
> The title comes from the John Lennon song by the same name.

Rafael had just gotten home after a long day, and he was dead on his feet. All he wanted was some dinner and to go to sleep. His phone was dinging in his pocket, so he pulled it out, praying the detectives hadn’t just caught a case. It was Liv, and she was asking if he wanted to grab some dinner. He started to text her back when there was a knock on the door. He told her he’d be ready in fifteen minutes before he went to answer. 

He stopped short when he opened the door. There was a car seat right there on his doorstep, and there was a baby inside. He stood there, staring for a couple of moments, trying to figure out what the hell was going on. He had to be imagining things. There couldn’t actually be a baby on his doorstep. He stared at the little bundle for a couple of moments, his mind racing. Whose kid was this? 

Rafael grabbed the car seat, taking the small child into his apartment. He had no idea how to care for a baby. He didn’t even know where to start. He paced for a second, and he was about to call Liv and beg her to come and help when he spotted a little paper tucked into the car seat. He grabbed for it, unfolding the sheet and scanning the neat handwriting. 

………………………..

Liv was waiting in front of Barba’s building, but it was getting to be a half hour after he had said he’d be out. She was worried. He also wasn’t answering his phone. After about forty-five minutes, Liv parked her car. Something was wrong. She locked the doors, going inside. The doorman let her through, and she went upstairs to his apartment. Liv knocked on the door, but there wasn’t an answer. She knocked again. She was worried. Finally, she heard some shuffling behind the door, and he opened it. “Liv?” he asked softly. He looked like a wreck. His face was wet with tears, and his hair was disheveled like he’d been running his fingers through it constantly. There was this hunch to his shoulders and a look in his eyes that she didn’t like. 

“Hey, are you alright? We were gonna grab dinner,” she said. 

“I--I…” he trailed off, turning around and going back inside, so she followed him. 

“Rafael, what the hell is going on?” Liv asked. 

“He was just--he was just there, and I don’t know,” Rafael mumbled. Liv had no idea what the hell he was talking about. He sounded crazy. Liv grabbed his shoulders, looking him in the eyes, and he seemed to focus on her better. 

“Take a deep breath,” Liv said softly. He nodded, but he was on the verge of breaking down. There was this look in his eyes, a crazed look that she hadn’t ever seen before. He looked absolutely petrified and panicked, and she needed to get him sitting down. “Is it your Mom? I need you to tell me what is going on, so I can help.” He just kind of shook his head, and she saw a paper in his shaking hand. She was about to ask about it when she heard a piercing cry, and she froze. There was a baby somewhere in this apartment. Rafael was starting to hyperventilate, and he buried his head in his hands. Liv spotted the car seat easily. It was on the chair in the corner. She had been so focused on Rafael that she had missed the car seat entirely. She went over there, looking down at the small baby with wild, dark hair. The baby was wrapped in a little blue blanket, and it was sobbing. Liv lifted it from the car seat, shushing it and bouncing it. “Rafa,” Liv said softly. “Whose baby is this?” He looked up at her with watery eyes. 

“He’s mine,” he whispered shakily. Liv swallowed, looking at the little baby. He was small, probably a newborn. Rafael hadn’t mentioned him on the phone. She sat down beside him, still rocking the baby. “How am I supposed to be a father?” Rafael asked, wiping at his face. “I know nothing about babies. I don’t know what to do.” 

“It’s okay. Let’s take a very deep breath,” Liv said. She couldn’t have him lose it. She needed to calm him down enough that they could talk once she took care of the baby. “How long has he been here?” Liv asked. 

“An hour maybe. I don’t know, it was after I talked to you,” Rafael said. 

“He probably needs to eat something. Do you have any formula?” Liv asked. The baby was still crying loudly. 

“I don’t have anything,” Rafael sobbed. 

“Okay, okay, calm down. Walk down to the bodega at the corner, and ask them if they have baby formula. Get that and a pack of diapers, and I’ll help you figure out the rest later,” Liv said. Liv took a look at the diaper the baby had on. “The diapers will probably be preemie sized or newborn.” Liv just hoped Rafael could make it down to the store and back. He was falling apart completely. He seemed to pull himself together somewhat now that he had something he needed to do. He grabbed a jacket and put his shoes on, and Liv heard the door shut. She stood up, bouncing the little boy in her arms and trying to comfort him. Who the hell had Rafael had a baby with? He obviously had just found out about the little boy. He hadn’t mentioned seeing anyone that she remembered, and she was sure she would have noticed. She had been a bit distracted though when she and Tucker had still been together. Their friendship had fallen apart a little bit, but they had managed to patch it back up for the most part. 

The little boy was cute. He had huge, green eyes, and he was tiny. Liv had a feeling he definitely needed to see a pediatrician. Once Rafael got back, she was going to talk to him about calling hers. Liv stood up, walking around and bouncing him while she waited for Rafael to get back. She started a pot of coffee for him while she was waiting. She whispered to the baby, but he wasn’t really calming down. 

Rafael finally came back and he was shaking when he put the bag on the counter. “I’m sorry, the owner--he was helping me find good formula. Liv, I don’t know what the hell to do.” 

“Here, take him,” Liv said softly. Rafael’s eyes blew wide. He looked terrified. She took a few steps toward him, and he looked like he wanted to flee, but he didn’t. 

“H--How do I hold him?” he asked softly. Liv smiled at him. 

“You have to support his head. Just cradle him like this against you,” Liv said softly, helping him to take the baby and shift him around. “That’s it.” Rafael was stiff and obviously terrified, but he was doing his best. Liv got to work preparing the formula, and when she finally got it in a bottle at a good temperature, she noticed the baby had quieted down some. “You’re doing great, Rafael,” Liv said softly. He was sitting on the couch, looking down at his son, and Liv knew that feeling. She knew the awe of looking at a child that was yours. Liv’s son was not her biological child, but she loved that boy like nothing else, and she could see that look in her best friend’s eyes. “Alright,” Liv said softly. “Just balance him in the crook of your arm so he’s sitting up, okay?” Rafael nodded, and he was moving hesitantly like he was afraid to break the baby. 

“Like this?” Rafael asked softly. He sounded terrified. 

“You’re doing so good,” Liv said, rubbing Rafael’s arm. “You’re doing great. See? You’re a natural.” 

They sat like that for a while, Rafael feeding the baby, Liv helping him. Once the baby stopped drinking, Liv showed Rafael how to burp him, and then he drifted off, so Liv helped him put the baby in the car seat to sleep. Liv poured him a mug of coffee after that, and they went to his bedroom so they could talk somewhere quiet. Rafael sat on the bed, leaning against his headboard as he sipped the coffee. He was still shaking. Liv sat beside him. “Wanna tell me what happened?” she asked softly. 

“I had just gotten home,” Rafael said, taking a sip from his mug. “And you had just texted me, but there was a knock on the door. I went to see who it was, and he was right there, on my doorstep.” He looked like he wanted to bawl his eyes out. “I had no idea what to do. I froze up until you came.” 

“Rafa, how do you know he’s yours?” Liv asked softly, rubbing his back. He wouldn’t just assume a random baby was his own. He was too smart for that. He reached into the pocket of his jacket and handed over the paper that she’d seen in his hands earlier. It was crumpled up and messy, and she tried to straighten it out. 

“It was seven or eight months ago, I don’t even remember,” Rafael said softly. “I was in a bad place, and I slept with this woman I knew from law school. It was just--It was nothing. This wasn’t supposed to happen, and I didn’t even know. She just left him on my doorstep, and he doesn’t even have a name. I’m going to be sick, oh Jesus.” Rafael stood up, leaving the mug of coffee on the nightstand, and he started pacing. He was beginning to hyperventilate again, and then he started dry heaving. Liv stood up. 

“Okay, I know this is a lot. You need to breathe,” Liv said softly. She helped him into the ensuite bathroom, and he leaned over the toilet, gagging. She just kept rubbing his back and trying to keep him calm. He was panicking. He didn’t actually throw up, and instead, he settled back on his knees, and Liv pulled him close. He pressed his face against her shirt and started crying. Liv just held him tight. His body was quaking, and her heart was breaking. He was so scared. This was all dumped in his lap, and he needed time to process. 

“I don’t know anything about babies,” Rafael said softly. “I don’t know how to be a father.” 

“I didn’t know how to be a mother before Noah,” Liv said softly. “You learn as you go, and you ask questions. You can ask your mom, you can ask me. It’s going to be alright.” 

“Maybe I should--maybe I should call child services,” he whispered. “I don’t know if I can do this.” 

“You want to put him into foster care?” Liv asked. “I’m not going to tell you what to do, but Rafa, think about this. You know what goes on in foster care. Do you really want to give your son up?” 

“I don’t know,” Rafael said. “I don’t know how to do this.” 

“I know,” Liv whispered. “I know it’s scary, but you’re brave. You are one of the best men I know. You would be an amazing father if that’s what you decide.” 

“You think I can?” he asked softly, his voice watery with tears. Liv cupped his cheek, bringing his gaze up to meet her own.

“I know you can,” she said, and he covered her hand with his own, nodding and trying to stop sobbing. “Alright, how about you lay down for a little bit. I’ll call Lucy, and she can keep an eye on Noah. I’ll just stay here to get you on your feet.” Rafael nodded, sniffling. 

“He doesn’t even have a name,” Rafael whispered. “She left me his birth certificate. It’s in a folder on the counter.” 

“You have time. Take a few days. Think about it,” Liv said softly. 

“He needs a name, Liv. I can’t just call him the baby,” he said softly. “What the hell will I tell my Mom? This is my son, he doesn’t have a name.” 

“You could come up with something to call him for now,” Liv suggested softly. “Just until you decide what you really want to settle on.” He took a deep breath. 

“Okay, okay, um…” Rafael whispered. He was blanking. “Maybe I should look at him.” Liv smiled, nodded. She took him back out to where the baby was sleeping, and she watched as Rafael looked at his son, trying to pick a temporary name. 

……………………..

Rafael was looking down at this little baby. He was so small, so fragile, and now he was Rafael’s responsibility. He wasn’t good with kids. He could spend a couple of hours with Noah, but he didn’t know anything about taking care of a baby. He had absolutely no idea what to do. He could see his green eyes, the green eyes that Rafael had given him. He had dark hair, just like him, and his little nose was a bit crooked. Rafael thought maybe he was imagining some of it, but it amazed him that despite all the fear and the panic, he loved this little boy. 

Liv’s hand was on his shoulder, rubbing gently, trying to keep him calm, but he was calmer than he’d been in over an hour. He felt like maybe things weren’t crumbling all around him. He could figure this out. He could do this. When he looked at his son’s face, he thought about all the father figures he’d ever had in his life. His father had been terrible, but there had been a few men that had helped him. One of his teachers, an English teacher, his name had been Ben Hernandez, and when Rafael was twelve years old, he had helped him, pushing him to be smarter and better, and that had been what he needed. The man had fed him, bought him clothes a few times, and he had given Rafael a place to sleep when his father locked him out of the house. He had been a good man, one of the few sources of love Rafael had as a child, and he couldn’t think of anything better as a temporary name. He could think more about something permanent later. “What about Ben?” Rafael asked. Liv looked at him. 

“Did you just say that because you’re standing here with Olivia  _ Ben _ son?” she asked, and he let out a surprised laugh. Laughing was good. He needed to laugh, and Liv was helping him. “You named him after me, that’s cute.” 

“No, I did not,” he argued. She smiled at him. 

“Don’t even bother trying to deny it. You did,” Liv said, and he wanted to glare, but he couldn’t wipe the smile from his face. 

“I named him after my teacher---” he started to say, but she was smirking at him, so he shook his head laughing. “Thanks,” he whispered. “It’s only temporary.” 

“Mhmm, sure,” Liv said, and he smiled again. He wasn’t sure what the hell he would do without her. 

…………………………

Rafael was sitting on the couch in a white teeshirt and some pajama pants. Liv had kept an eye on Ben for him so he could take a shower and get a little bit of rest, but now it was her turn to grab a shower, and he was holding his son, trying to stay calm. He wanted to bond with Ben. He already felt protective of his son, and he was trying to figure everything out, but it was so overwhelming. He felt this deep, simmering anger at the woman who’d left Ben on his doorstep. How could a mother leave her own child like that, and more importantly, she could have waited until he answered the door. She could have had some guts to face him and tell him that they had a child, that she didn’t want him. Instead, she’d left him outside the door in New York, and Rafael was just glad he’d been home when she did it. 

He had tried to call her a few hours before, but she hadn’t answered. He wasn’t sure if he was going to try again. Elena had been someone he knew a lifetime ago, and he hadn’t been emotionally entangled. In fact, he had known she was a cold person, and he had counted on that to keep them from forming any sort of attachment. He couldn’t believe that she would just abandon their son like this though. She could have given him up for adoption. She had choices. 

Rafael wasn’t unhappy though. In a way, he was grateful. He had been feeling lonely recently, and he was pining over Liv all the time. It had been years since he hadn’t pictured himself within her and Noah’s little family even though he knew it wasn’t actually going to happen. Now, against all odds, he had the chance to have a family of his own. 

“Hey,” Liv said softly, appearing from the hallway. “Are you hungry?” 

“Yeah, I could eat. I should get him a bottle though. It’s every two hours, right?” he asked. 

“Give or take,” Liv said. “Definitely every four. He’ll tell you if he's really hungry. You really want to keep an eye on how many wet diapers he has in a day. Should be about 6-8.” 

“I’m going to take a few weeks of personal time. I have days saved. I just need to get settled and make sure he’s okay, and then I’ll figure something out I guess,” Rafael said softly. 

“Lucy might be able to keep an eye on both him and Noah,” Liv said, and his face lit up. 

“You think?” Rafael asked. He would be so relieved. He knew Lucy was someone he could trust. 

“I’ll talk to her,” Liv said. “I’m going to order us some dinner since it’s been hours since we were supposed to eat.” 

“Liv,” he said softly, and she looked at him. “Thank you for helping me. I don’t know what I would do without you,” Rafael whispered.

“You’re my best friend,” Liv said softly. “I’m here for you.” Rafael was trying to figure out how to hold the baby and prepare the bottle at the same time, but he didn’t have enough hands. “You need a carrier or a sling,’ Liv said, and he laughed. 

“I’d look pretty good with one of those,” he said softly, and she smiled. 

“Here, I’ll take him,” Liv said, and he handed Ben over while Rafael started the bottle. He heard Liv ordering him food, but he was so tired, he didn’t really even care what she was going to get him. He trusted her. 

……………………..

Rafael sat down with Ben, feeding him again, and Liv came over and sat next to him, turning the tv on. “So, tomorrow,” Liv said softly, “We need to make him an appointment to get checked out by a pediatrician.” 

Rafael looked at her. “You think he’s sick?” 

“No, he just needs to have an appointment. Just to make sure everything is okay. He is a little bit small even for a newborn,” Liv said softly. “They’ll help you start to figure out what care Ben specifically needs. They might tell you specific formula or specific feeding times, and they will make sure nothing is wrong.” 

“Okay,” Rafael said softly. “We can go shopping too. I need to get him clothes and a bed.” 

“That’s why I brought over some of Noah’s old things,” Liv said. “The clothes might be a little bit big, but that should hold you over until you can get him things.” 

“We probably need to baby proof this place,” he said softly. Liv rubbed his arm, realizing that he was starting to get a little bit overwhelmed again. 

“Just breathe,” she said softly. “We’ll figure it out together as it comes. One thing at a time.” 

“You won’t be here forever,” Rafael said softly. 

“You can always call if you need help. Being a new parent is hard. Just try to calm down,” she whispered. 

“I need to call my mother. She’s going to be ecstatic, but she’s also going to scream at me,” Rafael said softly. 

“You could wait until tomorrow,” Liv whispered. He shook his head. 

“I should call tonight,” he said. 

“Here, I’ll take him,” Liv said, reaching for Ben. Rafael let her her take him, and he stood up tiredly, reaching for his phone. She heard him talking softly in the kitchen, but he thankfully seemed to be able to handle his own mother. 

“Mami, I know. I didn’t mean for this to happen,” she heard him say softly. She bounced Ben a little bit as he started to fuss. He seemed to be done with the bottle, so she stood up, swaying with him and trying to calm him down. Rafael was talking in Spanish, and Liv pieced together some of what he was saying, but most of it was just him asking his mother to stop yelling. “I’m taking him to the doctor tomorrow. You can come over tomorrow night if you want. Okay, okay. I hear you. I know.” 

When he came back to the couch, Liv smiled at him. “I think he missed you,” she said softly. Ben would get fussier if Rafael wasn’t holding him, and she found it way too cute. A smile broke out across Rafael’s face. 

“Hola Ben,” he whispered. Liv went to the kitchen, starting to clean up some of the dishes while they waited for the food, but she could hear Rafael whispering to his son, and it touched her heart. “I know today has been confusing, but it’s okay now. I’m not going anywhere.” 

Liv couldn’t help but smile. She was proud of him for trying this. She knew how scary it was, but she believed in him. He was one of the best men that she knew. 

“I know this is scary, and I’m scared too, mijo. Truth is, I’m terrified, and I have no idea what I’m doing, but we’re gonna figure this out,” he whispered. “You’re gonna have to cut me a few breaks, but I’m going to do my best.” 

Liv finished the dishes, and when she made it back over to Rafael, Ben was asleep. There was a knock on the door, and they both cringed but Ben stayed asleep. Liv answered, getting their food, and she set it on the counter. “Let’s put his crib up quick and get him settled,” Liv suggested, and Rafael nodded, following her back to his bedroom. Rafael set Ben down on his bed between two pillows just until they could get the crib up, and they got to work. It was Noah’s old crib that Liv had grabbed when she ran home to say goodnight to her son. She’d brought Rafael some old clothes of Noah’s and a few things to tide him over until they could go shopping. 

Liv knew mostly how to work it, so she told Rafael what to do, and they put it together fairly quickly. She gently picked Ben up. “So, you want very few things in a newborn’s crib, and you want them to sleep on their back,” Liv explained. Rafael nodded, kissing Ben’s forehead before Liv set him down in the crib. 

“Night, mijo,” he whispered. Liv smiled, rubbing Rafael’s back again. 

“Let’s go eat,” Liv said. Rafael looked at Ben for a few moments longer before Liv got him to go and start eating. 

“What if I don’t hear him when he cries?” Rafael asked softly. 

“We’re going to get a baby monitor,” Liv said. “Tomorrow. Then you can listen for him wherever you’re at in the house. And trust me, you’ll hear him cry at night if you’re in the same room.” Rafael nodded, pulling out his container of Teriyaki chicken. He settled on his couch with a glass of scotch and his food, and Liv sat next to him with her own food. “Are you okay?” He nodded, taking a bite of his food. 

“This is a lot,” he whispered. “But I love him.” 

“It’s normal to be scared,” Liv said softly. 

“I am scared,” he admitted. “I’ve always been scared to turn into my own father.” 

“Oh, Rafa, honey, you won’t,” Liv said. “Listen to me, you are different than him. I can see in your eyes how much you love your son. Having a child doesn’t magically change who you are, and I know you. You are a good, good man.” He nodded, but Liv could tell he was still concerned. He took another bite of his food. Liv held out her spring roll to him. “Want it?” He smiled, taking it and taking a bite. “You’ve done very well today. I’m impressed with how you’ve handled this.” 

“You're impressed with my complete and utter panic?” he asked softly. 

“You’ve pulled it together,” Liv said softly. 

“Only because of you,” he said. Liv reached over and took his hand, squeezing it gently. She was proud of him. 

………………………………..

Liv was fast asleep on the couch when she heard Rafael moving around in the kitchen. He banged a few things, swearing softly, and she heard Ben fussing in his arms. “Shh, Ben. Liv is sleeping. Dad’s gonna get your food. I know you’re hungry.” She didn’t want him to feel bad that she woke up, so she laid there quietly, listening as he tried to figure out how to mix the formula and hold Ben at the same time. 

She heard him take a seat in one of the chairs, singing softly in Spanish as he fed Ben. It was precious, and Liv wanted to tell him how proud she was. He sounded tired, and Liv rolled over, looking at him sleepily. He looked like he was putting himself to sleep with the singing. He blinked, seeing her looking at him, and he smiled. “Sorry,” he mouthed. 

“It’s okay,” Liv said. “How’s he doing?” 

“He’s hungry,” Rafael said, looking down at Ben. “You’re drinking so much, little man.” Liv sat up. 

“You want some background noise?” Liv asked, grabbing for the tv remote. 

“Sure,” he said. “I suppose this is what I’m in for. Long nights. It’s okay, who needs sleep anyways.” Liv laughed. 

“It won’t last forever. You have to cherish these days,” she said, smirking at him, and he snorted. Liv waved him over to the couch, so he sat next to her, still feeding Ben as she turned on the tv. 

“Am I gonna be up in two more hours?” he asked softly. 

“I’ll take that one,” Liv said softly. 

“You don’t have to do that,” Rafael said. “I’m going to have to do them by myself eventually.” 

“Just take the help while it’s here,” Liv said. He nodded. 

“Thanks,” Rafael said softly. 

“You won’t be any good to me tomorrow if you’re grumpy,” Liv said, and he laughed. 

“You better get used to grumpy if Ben is going to keep me up at all hours of the night,” Rafael said, and she smiled. 

“You’ll get used to it,” Liv whispered, turning her attention back to the tv. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, well, I need to start out with an important note. I wish I had remembered to include this in the intro to chapter one, but unfortunately, I don't think I made this clear, so I apologize for that. This is not a happy story. As I mentioned before, I'm writing this for myself--for actual personal reasons not just for the fun of it, but I feel like it's only fair if I warn anyone who is reading. I'll be updating tags as I write, so keep an eye on those. Again, sorry I didn't say this before. 
> 
> Now that that's out of the way, as usual, I would love comments if you feel inclined to leave them :) I hope you all enjoy!

Rafael was tired. He’d drank three cups of coffee already, but he still felt like a walking zombie. Liv was much perkier than him, and she was dragging him throughout the store at the moment. He didn’t feel capable of making all these decisions, and he was so grateful that Liv was with him, with a list in hand of things he would need. “Here,” Liv said, “I know you’re picky about your furniture. Look at these changing tables and tell me which one you want.” Rafael looked at them. His head was pounding, Ben felt like he weighed a thousand pounds in Rafael’s arms. 

There was a white one, a grey one, a dark mahogany colored table, and he tried to remember what color crib they’d gotten. There were so many choices, and he was so tired and stressed out. Liv rubbed his back, and he took a deep breath. “The dark one. It’ll match the crib,” he finally said. Liv put the box in the cart. They were thankfully done shopping. They just needed to pay. 

Rafael had picked out a stroller and a crib and a changing table and a diaper bag and plenty of clothing items and diapers and creams and shampoo and washcloths and blankets and every single thing he could possibly think of. Ben had thankfully mostly slept through their shopping trip, but he was going to be awake soon for another bottle. Rafael’s stomach was growling, and he wanted a burrito or a sandwich and another coffee. “Hang in there,” Liv said softly. “We’re almost done.” 

“Did you grab one of those strappy things?” Rafael asked softly. Liv nodded. “Good, he feels so heavy.” 

“You need to hit the gym,” Liv said with a laugh. Rafael laughed a little bit too, but he was seriously tired of carrying the baby. He was just tired in general. “Here, I’ll take him for now.” Rafael handed Ben over, shaking his arms out. He paid for their things, and he gave an employee twenty bucks to load it into Liv’s car. 

When he settled into the passenger seat, he leaned back, trying to breathe and get ahold of himself. He was letting the stress get to him because he was exhausted, and he needed a couple of moments. Liv looked over at him when she got in the car. “We have about a half hour. Let’s get you lunch and some fresh air.” He just nodded, looking out the window. 

Liv carried the car seat when they walked to the deli. Rafael was sitting outside with Ben, waiting for Liv to bring him his sandwich when the baby woke up. “Honey, please,” he whispered. “Daddy has a headache.” He knew the baby didn’t understand him, and he knew Ben was just hungry, but his head was aching. He pulled his son out of the car seat, retrieving the bottle he’d packed. “Alright,” Rafael whispered. “It’s okay, let’s eat. I know you’re hungry. I’m hungry too.” Rafael gently stroked his fingers over Ben’s soft hair, feeding him. Liv smiled when she made it over to him. 

“Someone is a hungry boy,” she said. 

“You mean me or the baby?” Rafael asked. She smiled. 

“Here, I can finish feeding him, eat your sandwich,” Liv said. “I know you’re stressed. This will get better.” 

“How am I supposed to take care of him if I’m getting overwhelmed on day two?” he whispered, unwrapping his sandwich. He was moping a little bit, but it was mostly because he was scared out of his mind and feeling inadequate. 

“It’s going to get a little bit easier, Rafa. Every day gets easier. You’ll figure this out a little bit more. It will be less overwhelming, okay?” Liv said. “You’re being too hard on yourself.” He started eating, and the food made him feel better. “What about Levi,” Liv said. He looked up at her and shrugged. “Mason.” He shrugged again. “Oliver?” This time there was a glint in her eyes, and he narrowed his. “I can’t help it if you want to name your son after me.” 

He couldn’t help but laugh. “Thank you,” he whispered. Liv smiled at him. 

“Any time. Just try to take deep breaths. You’ve got this,” she said. He nodded, taking another few bites of his sandwich. He finished it quickly, and then Liv helped him get Ben strapped in the carrier that they secured on Rafael once he was finished eating. Liv ate her sandwich on the way to the doctor’s office after she dropped Ben’s car seat back off at the car. They walked to the doctor’s appointment because it wasn’t far from the Deli, and Liv had grabbed the file with the few papers he had for Ben from the car. 

Rafael’s hands were shaking while they were in the waiting room. “Do you think he’s okay?” He asked softly. 

“Deep breaths, Rafa,” Liv said softly. “You’re just here for a check up.” He nodded, stroking Ben’s hair. “Honey, have you considered asking for a paternity test.” He looked at her with wide eyes. “It’s not that I don’t think he’s your son, but it would give you more legal grounds to stand on in case anything happened. I think you need to secure your rights as his father.” 

“You mean terminating her parental rights?” he asked softly. Liv nodded. “I don’t want to ruin his chances of a relationship with his mother. What if she….what if she changes?” 

“You want her coming in here and trying to take him away from you after she abandoned him on your doorstep?” Liv asked. Rafael sighed. He had no idea what he wanted to do. 

“It’s complicated. Liv, I don’t know,” he said. Liv took his hand in hers, squeezing gently in lieu of an apology. He knew she wasn’t trying to stress him out anymore than he already was, but this entire situation was a lot for him. A nurse brought them the paperwork to fill out, and Rafael stared at most of the forms. He didn’t know almost anything about his own son. The only thing he’d been given was Ben’s birth certificate. He didn’t even have a legal name for his son. He had no social security number, no medical records, no medical history from his mother’s side. Rafael had nothing, and he was responsible for this child. Ben was a part of him. He’d made him, and he somehow loved him more than he ever believed possible. 

“You have special circumstances,” Liv said softly, practically reading his mind. “You’re not a bad father because you don’t know how to fill this out.” 

“I feel useless,” he whispered. “I know nothing.” 

“That’s why we’re here,” Liv said softly. 

“I’ve called her ten times,” Rafael said softly. “She isn’t answering. She doesn’t care. This is her son. She could at least bother to give me the information I need.” He felt Liv’s hand on his back again, rubbing soft circles, and he felt the tears filling his eyes. Ben was starting to fuss too, and Rafael knew the baby could feel his distress, but he couldn’t get a handle on his emotions. “Shh, Ben, honey, it’s okay.” He knew his voice was tear-filled, and it certainly wasn’t strong, but he was trying. 

“Come here,” Liv said softly. She pulled him close, cradling his head against her chest, and he was trying not to completely break down. He had already done so much crying, and he still had so much to figure out. He didn’t have time for this. Ben needed him to get his shit together. “Stop putting so much pressure on yourself,” Liv said. “It’s going to be alright.” 

“I’m scared, Liv,” he whispered. 

“I know,” she murmured, stroking his hair. “Tell me a name.” 

“Wha--” 

“Tell me a name. You need to think about something other than this,” Liv said. He was quiet for a couple of minutes, shaking slightly. 

“Leo,” he said softly. 

“Good, keep brainstorming,” Liv said, stroking her fingers through his hair. 

“Miguel. Juan. James. Aiden. Fred,” Rafael said. Liv laughed. 

“You want to name him Fred?” she asked softly. He glared. 

“You said to say names,” he whispered. She snorted. He sat up, visibly calmer as he wiped his eyes. 

“Mr. Barba?” Rafael stood up, and Liv followed behind him. He followed the nurse back into an exam room. 

“And who is this?” she asked, looking at Ben. 

“My son,” Rafael said softly, still stroking the back of his head. The nurse gave him a little bit of a look. 

“Does he have a name?” she asked. Rafael had to take a deep breath. 

“I’m sorry,” he said. “This is a little bit….complicated. Um, my ex--well not really, but that doesn’t matter--his mother left him on my doorstep yesterday, and she won’t answer her phone. I don’t--I don’t…” He started crying again a little bit, and the woman handed him a few tissues. 

“Okay, take a deep breath. Can you tell me how old he is?” she asked. 

“Here’s his birth certificate,” Liv said, chiming in. 

“Great,” she said, taking the document from Liv and looking it over. “Alright, it looks like this little guy is four days old.” She looked at Rafael. “Your name is on the birth certificate, so that makes this more simple. We’ll do a complete exam to check him out.” 

“Thank you,” Rafael said softly, wiping at his eyes. 

“Is there anything you’re calling him?” the nurse asked kindly. 

“Um,” Rafael whispered shakily. “I’ve been calling him Ben until I can choose something more permanent.” 

“Alright, Ben it is,” she said. “Would it be alright if I moved him to the exam table?” Rafael nodded, hands shaking as he unclipped the sling. He very carefully, shifted Ben into the nurse’s arms, and he stood up, following her to the exam table. The woman gently set Ben down on the table, and Rafael couldn’t help the way his heart soared when he looked into Ben’s big, green eyes. “Alright Mr. Ben,” she said, and Rafael reached out, laying a hand on Ben’s arm. He wanted to have a hand on his son, to keep touching him so he would feel like maybe he could keep him safe somehow. She took a tape measure, lining it up with his head and measuring him. She wrote down the number before wrapping it around Ben’s forehead. “He has a nice, thick head of hair,” she said, smiling at Rafael, and he couldn’t help but smile as well. His son was cute. “Someone is going to be a real heartbreaker.” 

“Sounds like his Dad,” Liv teased, and Rafael laughed. He stroked his thumb over Ben’s little arm, trying to keep his son calm while the nurse got her measurements. She finished with the tape measure, and she had a scale that she gently placed Ben in. Rafael was waiting anxiously for her to tell him something, but she wasn’t sharing the results. 

“How is he?” he asked when he couldn’t wait any longer. The nurse finished writing something in the chart before turning to him. 

“I’m going to let the doctor come and talk to you about your son after I ask you just a few questions, okay?” she asked. Rafael felt a stab of worry. Why couldn’t she tell him? Was it something bad? “How much is this little guy eating everyday?” 

“I’ve been giving him um, two or three ounces of formula every two hours,” Rafael said. 

“Great, and he’s taking that with no trouble?” she asked. 

“He doesn’t always finish all of it, but usually most of it. I’ve only had him for like a day,” Rafael said softly. 

“How many diapers has he gone through since he’s been with you?” the nurse asked. Rafael looked to Liv. She had been doing the diaper changing so far. He knew he was going to have to learn. 

“He’s had about seven between yesterday and today,” Liv said. 

“Alright, it would help if we could figure out exactly when his due date was. Do you remember when he might’ve been conceived?” the nurse asked. Rafael thought back, trying to wrack his brain for the date the last time he had seen Ben’s mother. 

“It was last October,” Rafael said softly. “We had just won a case. I hadn’t seen her in months. It was the--the Roberts case.” He looked at Liv, praying she remembered the date. 

“That was early October,” Liv said. “Probably the first week.” 

“Okay, the doctor should be in shortly. Just fill out what you can on the forms, and we’ll figure out the rest, alright?” the nurse said, patting Rafael’s shoulder. He nodded, picking Ben up, and sitting back down. 

“Doing okay?” Liv asked softly. He nodded, rubbing Ben’s back. He was starting to get fussy again, so Rafael stood up, bouncing him a little bit. “Maybe we should try a pacifier,” Liv said. 

“What?” he asked. She dug in her bag and pulled out plastic packaging. Once she ripped it apart, she held up a little plastic thing. 

“You put this in the baby’s mouth. They suck on it, and it soothes them,” she said. He held his hand out, and Liv gave it to him. He gently held it to Ben’s mouth, and the baby started sucking on it almost immediately. It calmed him down quickly.

“Wow,” he said softly. 

“It’s great when it works,” Liv said softly. Rafael couldn’t tear his eyes from his son’s face. It was like he had been hit by a ton of bricks. He loved that little boy so much that it hurt, and it had all happened so suddenly. He was terrified to screw this up. He had absolutely no idea what he was doing, and he knew how easy it was to mess up a little kid. “Rafa,” Liv said, and he looked at her. “It’s going to be okay.” He just smiled a little bit, trying not to cry. 

“I never thought in my wildest dreams that this might be my life,” he whispered. “And somehow, I love him more than I can even fathom. He’s so perfect, and Liv, I just want him to be okay. I want to be able to take care of him, but I’m so scared. I don’t have the slightest idea of how to care for a baby, and yet, here I am.” 

“You should see yourself from the outside,” Liv said. “You’re working so hard, doing absolutely everything possible to take care of Ben, and you should be proud of yourself. Just try to breathe. This is all going to turn out alright.” He nodded, and he smiled at his son who seemed to be falling asleep. 

The knock on the door startled them both, and Ben’s eyes flew open, looking around everywhere. “It’s okay,” Rafael whispered, trying to soothe him. 

“Hi, Mr. Barba, I’m Dr. Paul, and this must be Ben. He is a handsome little guy,” she said. 

“Hi,” Rafael said softly. 

“I understand that you and Ben have a little bit of a unique situation, so I’m going to run a full work up on your son. We’re going to draw some blood so I can see if he’s been vaccinated, we’ll run the New York state screening test to identify if he’s at risk for certain abnormalities, and we will get you some reading about caring for your new baby.” 

“Alright,” Rafael said softly. The doctor took out her stethoscope and listened to Ben’s heart. Then she took his temperature, and she did a physical exam, looking him over. After that, she started checking his reflexes, and he was praying to himself that everything would check out. He saw her gently run her finger over Ben’s palm, and his little fingers wrapped around it. 

“Do you want to try?” the doctor asked. “It’s called the grasping reflex.” Rafael gently ran his finger across Ben’s palm, and then the baby had a firm grasp on Rafael’s hand, and it was the most precious thing ever. Rafael let him keep ahold of his finger while the doctor continued to check him out. He held Ben while they pricked his heel, and when Ben started crying, he had to take a few deep breaths and remind himself that Ben was fine. 

He tried to soothe Ben, but there was only so much he could do because it hurt. Rafael wiped the tears from his little cheeks, and he gave him the pacifier again. “He’s alright,” Liv said softly, patting his leg. The doctor was writing down a few things, and Rafael was dying to ask her to tell him that everything was going well. 

Finally, she turned around, looking at him, and Rafael didn’t like the look on her face. “We have a few things to talk about, but I don’t want you to panic. Your son is definitely small. Based on the dates you gave the nurse, I would estimate that he was definitely born early. Probably about 9 weeks early which is a lot, but he appears to be doing well. He’s breathing well which is the biggest thing, and he seems to be eating. He weighs about five pounds which isn’t ideal, but if you keep him on the formula regimen, I would expect him to gain weight and start to catch up. His reflexes look good, but he’s definitely a little behind. He’s not moving quite like another baby his age might be, but that’s to be expected with a preemie.” The doctor was saying so much, and Rafael felt like his head was spinning, but he was trying to focus on what she was saying so he would know what Ben needed. She explained how they used adjusted ages for premature babies, and then she showed him how to clean the umbilical stump until it would fall off. Liv was holding his hand by the end, comforting him so he wouldn’t panic. 

He wasn’t sure if he should be happy or terrified. He wasn’t sure how to feel at all. He was trying to figure out if this was good or bad news. “Mr. Barba, smile, this could be worse,” the doctor said. “Ben is doing well for now, and we’ll keep a close eye on him. Now, we took Ben’s blood, so I’m going to have that sent to the lab, and they are going to let us know if he’s gotten his Hepatitis B vaccination and his vitamin K shot. I’ll have the nurse give you a call with the results, and if he needs the vaccination, we’ll get it for him.” 

“Okay,” Rafael said softly, still stroking his hand over Ben’s head. 

“I’m going to get you the paperwork you need to fill out to legally name him when you’re ready. There are also forms for a social security number among other things that you would usually receive in the hospital. The nurse is going to bring you a few pamphlets, and we’re here if you have any concerns. I want to see Ben back here in a week, alright?” Dr. Paul said. Rafael nodded, reaching out to shake her hand. 

“Thank you so much,” he said softly. Once she left the room, Liv squeezed his hand again. 

“It’s going to be okay,” she said. “He’s doing good.” 

Rafael just kept stroking Ben’s head. “He’s so small,” he whispered. “I just want to protect him. I want him to be okay.” 

“She said he’s okay,” Liv said. Rafael nodded, trying not to worry. He didn’t have time to say anymore before the nurse came in with pamphlets for him. 

“These should help if you have questions about anything. Like this one for example talks about feeding your baby. Sometimes it helps if you take off your shirt or if you feed him after bathtime and have some skin on skin contact,” she said. Rafael stared at her. He looked at Liv to see if she looked alarmed as well, but she seemed to think it was normal. 

“You want me to feed my baby son when he’s naked? When I’m half naked? That doesn’t sound--” 

“Rafa,” Liv said with a laugh. “It’s for bonding. It’s nothing bad. This is what happens when you work SVU for too long.” 

“People...actually do this?” he asked. She laughed again. 

“Rafa, just keep him in a diaper. It’ll be good for you both to do some bonding,” Liv said, still laughing a little bit at his reaction. 

……………………………..

Rafael was sitting on the couch in his living room, staring at his baby. Ben was on his back on the cushion, and Rafael was looking down at his little face. He had legal papers in his lap. He wanted to find a name. He had been looking through names on his phone, but he was struggling to pick. There were so many different options.  _ George, Harry, Jack, Charlie, Freddie, Oscar, Logan, Henry.  _ He had a list written down, but he didn’t really like them. The baby didn’t look like a George or a Harry. He liked Mason, but he didn’t feel connected to it. His mind kept going back to Ben, to the moment when Liv was standing next to him, trying to calm him down. His mind kept latching onto when she looked at him and said,  _ “Did you just say that because you’re standing here with Olivia Benson?”  _ It had made him laugh when he felt like he was going to have a complete mental breakdown. 

He didn’t want to give her that satisfaction. She would never stop teasing him about it.  _ Santiago, Juan, Luis, Raúl, Esteban.  _ He didn’t like anything.  _ Oliver. _ That one made him smile.  _ “I can’t help it if you want to name your son after me. _ ” His mind kept going back to the names Liv had suggested jokingly. He had been calling him Ben for so long now. It felt like it had been longer than just a day or two. He felt like he’d been with Ben for forever, not twenty four hours. Every time he looked down at that little face, the big green eyes and long eyelashes, he fell in love. He felt bad that Ben appeared to have inherited his nose. He had always felt like it was too big for his face, but somehow, he thought it looked perfect on his son’s. He just hoped Ben saw it that way when he was old enough to feel insecure. 

Rafael sighed. He could handle Liv’s teasing. He took one more look at Ben’s perfect little face before he started writing on the paper.  **Benjamin** \--he paused, debating middle names, but in the end, it wasn’t hard-- **Oliver Barba** . Liv was going to laugh at him for hours, but he didn’t care. He loved her, and he definitely loved his son. There was no better option. 

Liv had really saved him this time. He would probably be sitting on the floor, rocking back and forth if it wasn’t for her. It was kind of a relief for him to have made a decision. There was one big thing down. One thing that he needed to do for his son that he had actually accomplished. For once, he felt like a good father. 

“Hey,” Liv said softly, standing at the edge of the hallway. She was smiling at him. 

“Hi,” he said, looking up at Olivia. 

“I see you started on all the paperwork,” Liv said. 

“I figured it was about time I admitted defeat and made it official,” Rafael said. 

“You didn’t,” Liv said with a grin, laughing. She grabbed the paper, grinning at him, and he glared. “I like it,” she finally said, and it brought such a warm feeling to his chest. “It’s about time to feed him.” 

“He’s sleeping though,” Rafael said, peeking over at his son who had fallen asleep. His little arms were above his head, hands clenched, eyes closed. 

“We need to wake him up,” Liv said. “He needs to eat.” Rafael sighed, reaching for Ben. He gently picked him up, and the baby blinked at him for a moment, getting an almost angry look on his face, and Rafael laughed. “Ah ah ah,” Liv said. “Shirt off.” 

“Are you sure this isn’t completely inappropriate?” He whispered, handing her Ben while he reached for the hem of his shirt. 

“I think I would know,” Liv said softly. “It’s just your shirt.” Liv took off the onesie Ben was wearing, leaving him just in his diaper, and Rafael sighed. Liv handed him Ben, and he brought him closer, holding him against his chest. Liv went to make Ben’s bottle, and Rafael was surprised at how quickly Ben completely relaxed. He was practically limp against Rafael, and Rafael found himself relaxing as well. The initial awkwardness faded away, and Ben seemed to be very comfortable. He was looking up at Rafael with his big eyes, and Rafael felt like his heart was swelling up so much it might burst. 

“I love you,” He whispered softly. “I’ll always love you, Ben.” When Liv brought him the bottle, Rafael pressed it against Ben’s lips, and he started drinking easily. There was something about the way Ben’s eyes fluttered shut as he was drinking that made Rafael fall in love all over again. 

“See,” Liv whispered, and he nodded, stroking Ben’s head. “How was your Mom’s visit?” Liv had gone home for a little bit while Lucia visited to meet Ben. Rafael was glad that she had gotten to check up on Noah. 

“It was alright,” Rafael finally said. “She was upset with me, and she asked a lot of questions, but she loved Ben. I’m surprised he wasn’t out cold afterward.” 

“She can’t be too mad at you when you finally gave her a grandson,” Liv said, and Rafael smiled. 

“She says I need to get married to his mother. She doesn’t understand the situation,” Rafael said softly. 

“That might be a little hard considering she won’t even answer your calls,” Liv said softly, and he smiled a little bit.

“Mami just doesn’t understand,” Rafael said. “It’s okay. She’ll get over it. She said we better visit sometime soon. You’re going to be spending lots of time with Abuelita,” Rafael whispered to Ben. 

“Listen, Noah has off school tomorrow, so I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind him coming over,” Liv said. 

“Of course,” Rafael said. “I think we could have some real fun. You know, you can go home whenever you want. I’m sure you have to get back to work soon.” 

“Fin is covering for me. I think you could use the help for at least a week,” Liv said softly. “It’s hard to suddenly have a child to care for.” It was hard. Rafael felt like everything had been completely turned upside down, but somehow, it felt right. Ben felt right, and he wondered how he’d gone so long without him. He couldn’t wait to hear Ben’s voice, to see him walk and crawl and smile. His heart felt fuller than he ever thought possible. 

………………………….

Liv didn’t notice right away that Rafael and Ben fell asleep. She had been focused on the movie they were watching for awhile before she realized she hadn’t heard a peep from her best friend in over an hour. When she looked over at him, he had slumped into the corner of the couch, Ben resting comfortably on his chest, and they were both out cold. Rafael was snoring, and Ben was all curled up, his wild hair sticking up everywhere. 

Liv decided to let them sleep for a little while even though it probably meant Rafael’s back was going to be aching later. She knew he had to be exhausted, and it was good for them to get some rest together, to be close. 

She was proud of Rafael. He was adapting fast, and he was putting his all into taking care of Ben. Liv was almost amazed to watch him like this. He liked to hide his humanity behind a mask of sarcasm and dry humor, but she loved the times when the sass would fade away and he’d be left bare. Sometimes she saw it in the soft looks on his face, sometimes it was the tone of voice he used, sometimes it was a coffee he bought for her. She hadn’t ever expected to grow so close with him, but there were things that he did, faces he made, ways that he acted that she knew few others got to see, and she held those close. 

She wondered how he would adjust with work. Being a single parent was hard, and she knew that at first, it was tough not to worry constantly about your child being somewhere without you. He was going to have to adjust even more, and Liv knew she also might have to run interference for him incase he didn’t want to talk about what happened between himself and Ben’s mother. Liv felt bad for him that she had just dumped this all into his lap with no warning. He deserved better than that. She had been dying to ask him about his relationship with her, but it was his business so she was trying to reign in her curiosity. 

She waited until the show that was on tv was over before she gently shook Rafael’s shoulder. “Rafa,” she said. “It’s time to wake up.” He jerked a little bit, waking Ben up in the process, and the baby started crying. 

“Wha--” Rafael whispered, blinking before he realized Ben was sobbing. He sat up, shifting Ben up against his shoulder as he stood, swaying and walking with him. “Sorry, sorry,” he murmured. “It’s alright, Ben, shh.” Ben started to calm down, sniffling, and Rafael looked triumphant until the baby began to cry again, and he wasn’t calming down this time. Rafael looked to her, panic in his eyes. 

“Check his diaper,” Liv said. “First you want to get all your supplies together first.” 

“So a diaper?” he asked, looking at her. She tried not to laugh. 

“Wipes, rash cream, and you might want to sing to him. He hates getting his diaper changed,” Liv said. Rafael nodded, digging through a few of their bags to get everything he needed. He was juggling Ben, a diaper, the rash cream, baby powder, and wipes all at once, but he managed. He laid Ben down on the floor, pulling his diaper apart and surveying the mess that he needed to deal with. Liv moved down on the floor beside him. 

“This is a big mess for such a little man,” Rafael whispered, smiling at Ben, and Liv was proud of him. He was such a natural, and she just wanted him to see it. Ben started screaming bloody murder, and Rafael tickled his little belly, trying to distract him. He was shaking, but he started wiping Ben, and he leaned closer to his son’s face, singing to him. He looked to Liv for reassurance, and she nodded at him. “This is disgusting,” he muttered, throwing the wipe down in the diaper. He grabbed another. After a couple of moments, he made a face. 

“Something wrong?” Liv asked. 

“It’s pretty red,” he said softly, stroking his fingers over Ben’s thigh, trying to calm the baby down. “Shh, baby, it’s okay.” 

“Put some of the rash cream on. We’ll see if it clears up,” Liv said, and Rafael nodded, uncapping the tube of cream. He gently rubbed some over the area, starting to try and get him in the new diaper. He had some trouble figuring out the straps, but Liv helped him secure it. Ben was still sniffling, but Rafael didn’t pick him up right away. He gathered up the trash, going to throw it out, and Liv heard him wash his hands before he came back and scooped Ben up into his arms. He was holding him closer now, and he looked less terrified that Ben would break if he made one wrong move. He cradled Ben’s head with his hand, whispering to him as he walked. Liv sat in the living room until she heard Ben quiet down, and Rafael reappeared a few moments afterward. 

“That was an adventure,” he said softly. 

“You did good,” Liv said. 

“I think I put it on backward,” Rafael said softly. 

“You didn’t,” Liv said. 

“Not gonna lie, the umbilical cord kinda freaks me out,” he said softly. “I’m afraid I’m going to knock it off somehow.” 

“You’re doing so good,” Liv said softly. “Sleep in tomorrow morning. You’ve had a long day, and you’re stressed. I’ve got Ben. Just get some rest and try to reset.” 

“Thank you,” he whispered. He stood there awkwardly for a second, making an abortive move toward her before she pulled him into the hug he so obviously wanted. 

“You’re doing so good,” she repeated by his ear, and she gave him an extra squeeze before shooing him off to bed. 

………………………….

Sleeping in was a novel idea, but Rafael woke up with massive anxiety. He kept wondering what Ben was doing and if he was okay. He knew Liv had taken him from Rafael’s bedroom hours before, and he couldn’t get his son out of his head. He trusted Liv. He did, but this was his baby, and he barely knew how to be a father. He knew it was ridiculous, but he was struggling to keep the panic at bay. His heart was racing and he could barely fall half asleep. 

He was tired though, and after awhile, he did drift off for a little bit. The extra sleep was good for him, but it didn’t last. He heard Ben screaming, and then he was really up. He dragged himself out of bed to go give Liv a hand. When he made it to the living room, Noah was watching cartoons on the floor, and Liv was walking with Ben, bouncing him and trying to calm him down. “Did I wake you up?” Liv asked. “Sorry.” 

“It was the screaming baby,” he said softly, and she laughed. “Here, let me try.” Ben was really fussy, so Rafael took him into his arms, and he looked down at his son’s little face. Ben looked up at him with watery, green eyes, and for a second, Rafael thought Ben might recognize him. The baby sniffled a little bit, starting to calm down, and he sighed in relief. 

“He missed you,” Liv said softly. 

“I thought the doctor said he couldn’t recognize my face,” Rafael said, stroking Ben’s hair. 

“Maybe not, but he knows it’s you. They know,” Liv said softly, rubbing his shoulder. “I fed him once, and I changed him, so it’s getting close to nap time.” Rafael kissed his forehead, shifting him up so he was leaning Ben against his shoulder. 

“Hi, Uncle Rafa,” Noah said, turning from his spot on the floor. 

“Hey, Noah,” Rafael said, taking a seat on the couch. Noah moved up to sit beside him. 

“I got some new legos,” Noah said. 

“Wow, more legos,” Rafael said with a laugh. “You’ll have to show me next time I’m at your house.” Noah looked at Ben for a second, and Rafael hoped he would ask whatever he was wondering. He didn’t mind. 

“How’d you get a baby?” Noah asked. 

“Noah,” Liv said, but Rafael glanced at her, nodding his head a little bit to tell her it was alright. 

“Well, I didn’t know about him before,” Rafael said softly. “But his Mom decided it was time to tell me. Now it’s my turn to watch him.” Noah looked a little bit confused. 

“So you’re gonna give him back later?” Noah asked. Rafael laughed. 

“No, buddy. I’m gonna keep him. I don’t think his Mom is ready for a baby, so it’s just gonna be me and him for now,” Rafael said. Noah still looked a little confused, but he didn’t ask anything else. He watched the tv for a little bit before he looked at Rafael again. 

“Can I hold him?” Noah asked. Rafael hesitated. 

“Noah, honey, he’s very small,” Liv said. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea.” 

“No, no, I’ll help him. Just uh, could you wash your hands?” Rafael asked Noah. He didn’t want to risk Ben getting sick. He had a weaker immune system than most babies. Noah went off and washed his hands in Rafael’s kitchen, and when he came back, Rafael helped him position his arms, so he could support Ben’s head. “You want to be very careful with babies,” Rafael said softly. Ben’s eyes opened briefly, and he looked around, but he didn't start to fuss. “He likes you.” 

“Hi, Ben,” Noah whispered, and Rafael smiled. 

……………………………

Liv had to take a second for herself. It was almost too much to see Rafael with her son, showing him how to hold Ben. Rafael had always been good with Noah once he got past his initial awkwardness. He was always willing to get down on the floor and build lego towers or play with Eddie, and Liv loved watching them together. It touched her that Rafael trusted her son enough to let him hold Ben, or he at least cared enough about Noah’s feelings to allow it. 

She was standing in the kitchen, trying to ignore and banish the rush of feeling. It wasn’t something that she could pay any attention to. Rafael had too much going on, and she knew part of it was just wishful thinking, projection of her loneliness. She was happy with Noah, but sometimes, she wished she had someone to wake up next to. It didn’t mean that she really had feelings for Rafael. He was her best friend, and they spent a lot of time together. She couldn’t ruin their professional relationship. 

There were so many reasons why it wouldn’t work, so she chose to ignore her traitorous feelings. She went back into the living room, and Rafael had taken Ben back. Noah was watching his cartoons again. “Are you guys hungry?” she asked. 

“Yes!” Noah exclaimed almost immediately. Usually that would prompt Rafael to suggest that they go and get something to eat from the cafe down the street, but now, he had Ben. 

“I’m not entirely sure what I have in the fridge,” Rafael said softly. 

“I’ll go pick up breakfast,” Liv said. “Do you think you two can manage for about a half hour?” Noah nodded seriously, and Rafael smiled. 

“I guess Noah’s in charge,” he joked, and Liv couldn’t help but laugh. “We’ve got it. Go ahead.” 

Liv was glad for the reprieve. She would have time to get a handle on herself. Rafael didn’t need more instability. He needed to adjust and figure out how to be a father. Liv couldn’t get in the way of that. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit of a roller coaster, but I hope you all enjoy it anyways. Let me know what you think!

“Are you sure you feel ready?” Liv asked softly. Rafael was standing there, shirtless, Ben cradled against his chest. The baby was fast asleep. “I can stay another night if you need.” 

“I think it’s time for me to sink or swim,” Rafael said. “I’ll be back at work soon. I won’t stay away too long.” 

“Take the time you need. Don’t let anyone bully you into coming back too soon,” Liv said. 

“Does anyone know?” he asked softly. 

“I haven’t told anyone,” Liv said. “And Carisi hasn’t called asking me how the hell you got a baby, so I think your secret is safe for now.” 

“I just want time,” Rafael said. “I don’t want to have to explain everything. It’s too complicated right now.” 

“I understand,” Liv said, laying a hand on his shoulder. “Just call me if you need something. It’s not easy figuring this out on your own.” 

“Thank you. For everything. I don’t know what I would have done if you weren’t here,” Rafael said softly. 

“You just needed a little boost,” Liv said. “Promise you’ll call if you need help.” She looked at him seriously, and he looked back, nodding. “Okay.” She hugged him tight, careful not to wake Ben. Rafael had shifted him into one arm, wrapping the other around Liv. She didn’t want to leave him even though she knew it was time. He walked her to the door, and she looked back at him, standing in his doorway, holding his son close, and she felt a wave of pride wash over her. He was going to be alright. 

……………………………….

Rafael was scared. It was just him and Ben. There was no one to bail him out or to help. Everything was on him. He knew Liv was just a call away, but he was responsible for this baby now, and he was going to be responsible for him from now on. He had a lot to learn and a lot to figure out, but he was doing his very best to take care of Ben. 

Ben was asleep, and he thankfully had been for a little while. Rafael’s plan was to keep two hour timers on his phone so he would know when to feed Ben. The baby was sleeping a little bit longer now, and he wasn’t necessarily waking up every time he needed to eat. Rafael was trying not to think about all the ways everything could go horribly wrong. He wanted to be able to take care of his son. He wanted to be a good father. None of this had been his plan, but he loved Ben, and he knew he could do better than his own father. 

He at least hoped he could. He had always been terrified to turn into his father. The man had been downright mean, and he had beat the shit out of Rafael more times than he could count. He had been absent. Rafael was going to be there for Ben. He would be at everything. He wanted his son to know he was loved. He just hoped he could succeed. 

He wasn’t used to feeling so awed by such a small person. He looked at Ben’s little tiny fingers and his little toes. Somehow they were absolutely perfect. Rafael stroked his little cheek, and his face turned toward Rafael’s hand, his mouth opening. Rafael couldn’t help stroking his fingers over his hair. He wasn’t sure he’d ever loved anyone this much before. It was all encompassing. He loved Olivia, but it was in a completely different way. There was something about the way he loved Ben that was different, and it scared him how fast it was all happening. He barely knew the kid, but Ben was a piece of him. Rafael had made him, and he was perfect. 

………………………….

Liv couldn’t stop thinking about Rafael. The squad had asked about him when she got back to work, but she hadn’t told them anything. She couldn’t do that to him before he had a chance to figure out how he was going to tell them. She was at home with Noah after her first day back at work, but she couldn’t stop thinking about Rafael and Ben. She was trying to relax, but she couldn’t. 

Noah was doing his homework at the table, and she was having a glass of wine when her phone rang. She picked it up, seeing Rafael’s face flashing across the screen. She scrambled to answer, and he sounded scared. “Liv?” he asked.

“What’s wrong?” Liv asked.

“There’s this spot on Ben’s head, and it’s moving,” Rafael said. Liv frowned.

“It’s….moving?” she asked. “What does that mean?” 

“It’s like….pulsating. What the hell,” Rafael said. Liv was trying not to laugh. 

“Rafa, honey, that’s just his soft spot. His skull bones haven’t fused yet. That’s normal,” Liv said. 

“His skull bones haven’t fused!?” he asked, sounding alarmed. “Isn’t that dangerous?” 

“Rafa, take a deep breath. Ben is fine. When is the last time you slept?” Liv asked. 

“I don’t know,” he whispered. She figured it had to have been a while if he was staring at Ben’s head enough to see it pulse. 

“Have you eaten?” she asked. 

“I had some leftover food from yesterday,” he said. 

“When?” Liv asked. He paused. “Yeah, that’s what I thought. Get something to eat, and next time Ben is asleep, you need to sleep too.” 

“Okay,” Rafael said softly. “How’s Noah?” 

“He’s good,” Liv said. “He’s doing his homework.” 

“How was work?” he asked. 

“They didn’t fall apart without us,” Liv said. “They are very curious about your whereabouts though. You’re going to have a lot of questions to deal with when you get back.” 

“Oh joy,” Rafael whispered, and Liv was so glad to hear his voice. She was glad he called. 

……………………

Liv was exhausted. Noah was at a sleepover, and she was laying on the couch with some ice on her forehead. Her head was aching. She didn’t even want to eat dinner. She wanted dark and silence, but that wish was dashed by the ringing of her phone. She groaned, considering ignoring it, but when she dug it out and saw Rafael’s face, she answered. “Hello?” she asked. It was the second night in a row that he’d called. 

“I think I knocked his umbilical cord off,” Rafael said. Liv would’ve laughed if her head didn’t hurt so much. He sounded even more tired than the day before. 

“The doctor told you it was going to fall off,” Liv said. 

“But I think I knocked it off. And now it’s all red and there’s blood,” he said. “What the hell do I do with this thing? It’s disgusting.” 

“Okay, how did you knock it off?” Liv asked. 

“I was tickling him,” Rafael said. “I just wanted to make him laugh, but I brushed it, and it fell right off.” 

“It was going to fall of anyways. There’s no way you hit it hard enough to rip it off,” Liv said. “How much blood is there?” 

“Only a little,” Rafael said. 

“I think he’s fine, Rafa. Just throw it out, and you can give him a bath if his skin looks clear,” Liv said. 

“Sorry,” Rafael said softly. “I keep--I keep thinking something is wrong. I’m scared.” 

“I know you are,” Liv said. “You’re doing great though. He’s fine. You can come over if you need some adult company.” 

“You sound tired. I don’t want to bother you,” Rafael said softly. 

“I just have a headache,” Liv admitted. “Long day at work. Is Ben upset?” 

“No, he’s fine. He’s not bleeding anymore. He’s just sleeping right now,” Rafael replied. “I’m sitting on the couch, staring at a wall.” 

“You should lay down,” Liv said. “Close your eyes.” 

“Will you stay on the line with me?” he asked softly, and Liv wasn’t sure why he asked, but if that’s what he needed, she would do it. 

“Do you need me to talk?” she asked. 

“Only if you want to,” Rafael replied. 

“You should come over later this week. Once you feel ready,” Liv said softly, hoping her voice was enough to calm him down, so he might sleep. 

………………………….

Rafael was a zombie. Ben had him up all the time, and he felt like he was never going to catch up on sleep. He wasn’t sure how a little human could make so much noise, but he felt like the baby had burst his ear drums. It seemed like every time he closed his eyes even for just a second, Ben would start screaming. He had finally gotten him to go back to sleep after changing him, and he was standing by the crib, rubbing his eyes and swaying around a little bit. He considered calling Liv. He had been doing every night. The first two or three times, he had been freaking out, and she had to calm him down. Now, he was accepting that Ben was probably fine. He was trying to remind himself that not everything was bad. His son was doing well. They talked every night, sometimes until he fell asleep, and when he would wake up, he would hear Liv’s soft breathing through the phone. He was so grateful for her. 

He stumbled over to his bed, collapsing onto the mattress, and he pressed his face into the comforter. He couldn’t even keep his eyes open. He left himself drift off, trying to get some rest before it was time to feed Ben again. He was so tired, and he just hoped maybe the alarm wouldn’t go off. 

When he finally did wake up, he blinked a couple of times, feeling really groggy. He looked around, trying to figure out what time it was. He reached for his phone, hand rubbing over his face, and when he saw the time, his eyes blew wide. It was hours later than when he should have been up to feed Ben. His heart was racing out of his chest. Why hadn’t Ben cried? Had he slept through it? He reached for the baby monitor, and then he was up to his feet and running. He could hear Ben coughing. He smacked the lights when he went in the room. “No, no, no, no,” he whispered to himself. When he looked down at Ben, the baby looked pale, and he was wheezing for air. His lips were turning blue, and Rafael grabbed for him, putting him on the ground. “No, no, Ben, breathe honey, please,” he whispered. He reached for his phone, tears rolling down his cheeks as his son continued to wheeze and struggle for breath. He had no idea what was happening or what the hell to do. All his panicked brain could come up with was calling Liv, so he did. 

…………………….

Liv had been surprised when there was no call from Rafael. He had been calling her every night for about a week. Sometimes, it was just to talk, and others, he had questions, but it became like a nightly routine for them. Tonight, he hadn’t called. 

Liv hoped he was getting some extra sleep. He sounded more and more exhausted every time she heard from him. She was worrying that he was overworking himself already. It was a lot to adjust to with a new baby, and he was all alone, trying to deal with it. She wished he would’ve let her stay another day or two. 

She was half asleep, in bed, when her phone went off, and she reached for it, expecting a call from work. “Liv?” Rafael’s voice sounded terrified, and he was definitely crying. She sat up slowly, hitting the light. 

“Rafa, what’s wrong?” She asked, fully expecting him to be overreacting again. 

“It’s Ben, he’s not breathing very well. Liv, he’s turning blue, and I don’t know what to do,” Rafael said.

“Is he coughing at all?” Liv asked. 

“Yeah, he’s wheezing and coughing some. I have him on the floor,” Rafael said. 

“Okay, gently tilt his head back to try and clear his airway. I’m going to hang up really quick and call 911. If he stops breathing, start CPR, okay?” Liv said softly. 

“Liv,” Rafael sobbed. 

“Rafa,” she said, trying to keep her voice calm. “You have to listen to me. You need to calm down. Ben needs you right now. You’re going to take a deep breath, and then you’re going to stop panicking. Do you hear me?” 

“Okay,” he whispered. 

“I will call you right back,” she promised. 

“Okay,” he whispered. Liv hung up the phone and called for an ambulance. When she called Rafael back, he didn’t answer right away, but then his scared voice filtered through the phone once more. 

“Liv,” he said. “How long until they get here? I’m scared. His lips are a little blue.” 

“Ten minutes. Hold on for ten minutes. Is he still wheezing and coughing?” Liv asked. 

“Yes, he’s still coughing,” Rafael replied. “He’s scared. I need to help him.” 

“You are helping,” Liv said. “He’s going to be okay very soon. Try singing to him. He probably won’t relax, but it will be comforting.” She heard him singing softly, something in Spanish, and his voice sounded terrified. He was definitely crying, but he was trying to be comforting, trying to exude calmness. “Stroke his hair,” Liv said. “They’re going to be there soon.” She knew this would help to distract Rafael enough that he would hopefully get through until the paramedics arrived. 

She knew how scary it was to see your child in pain, struggling to breathe. She’d been through it with Noah more than once, and she had been scared out of her mind. She was planning on meeting him at the hospital because she could hear how upset he was from just the sound of his voice. She finally heard some commotion, and then Rafael was talking to her again. “They’re here. Thank you.” He was on the verge of tears. 

“Ask them what hospital they’re going to. I’m going to meet you there,” Liv said softly. 

“We’re headed to New York Presbyterian,” he said. 

“Alright, I’ll be there soon. Just take deep breaths,” Liv replied. “Ben is going to be okay.” 

“Liv,” he whispered again, his voice breaking. 

“It’s going to be alright,” Liv said. “Are you in the ambulance?” 

“Yes. I need to go. They need me to answer questions. I’ll see you soon,” Rafael whispered before hanging up. 

Liv got out of bed, not bothering to change from her tee shirt and sweatpants. She needed to get to Rafael as soon as possible so she could help him when he could finally break down. She found shoes and went to Noah’s room. She didn’t have time to wait for Lucy. Noah looked at her blearily when she shook him, but he got out of bed when she told him it was for Uncle Rafa. Noah had Eddie clutched in his arms, and Liv brought her iPad so he would have something to do. She turned her siren on as she drove to the hospital. 

It took her fifteen minutes to find him in the hospital with the help of a nurse, and he looked horrible. He was dressed in flannel pajama pants and a tee shirt, his hair was wild, and he looked like he hadn’t slept in days. On top of the obvious fatigue, his eyes were red and puffy, and he was pacing. Liv let go of Noah’s hand, pointing at a chair that he went to sit in, and Liv looked at Rafael again. “Rafa,” she said. He immediately looked at her, and his face started to crumple. “Come here.” Liv wrapped her arms around him, and he pressed his face against her shirt, sobbing. 

“I fell asleep, and the alarm didn’t go off,” he sobbed, and she rubbed his back. 

“This isn’t your fault, Rafa. Things happen. It’s going to be okay. What did the doctor say?” she asked. 

“They don’t know,” he whispered, chest heaving. “They’re still trying to stabilize him.”

“Okay, let’s sit down,” Liv said, but he shook his head, squeezing her tighter like he didn’t want to let go. She stroked her fingers through his hair, trying to get him to calm down. 

“I didn’t feed him,” he whispered.

“He’ll be alright. I’m sure the doctors have that covered. I’m going to get you a coffee. Sit down next to Noah,” Liv whispered. He did as he was told, looking blank as he took a seat in the chair next to Noah. “You two stay put. I’ll be right back. Noah, keep an eye on Uncle Rafa.” 

“Okay, Mama,” Noah said, looking toward his Uncle. “Sometimes I get sick too, Uncle Rafa.” Rafael just nodded, but he let Noah take his hand. Liv smiled as she went to get the coffee. 

………………

When Liv came back, Rafael was talking to the doctor. He ran his fingers through his unruly, greasy hair, and he looked upset, but he wasn’t sobbing which she took as a good sign. When she made it over to him, she heard the last thing he asked. “Can I see him?” Rafael asked softly. 

“He’s sleeping, and there are a lot of tubes, but you can see him whenever you want,” the doctor said, laying a hand on Rafael’s arm. “A nurse will show you how his medication works. I’d like to keep him at least tonight just for monitoring.” 

“Tubes?” Rafael whispered.

“We put in a feeding tube, and he has an oxygen mask for now, but that will come off soon. We also have him on IV fluids. Sometimes it’s alarming for parents. I just wanted to warn you,” the doctor said. Rafael nodded, shaking the man’s hand. “I’ll have the nurse take you to his room.”

He turned to Liv, looking relieved, but she wasn’t sure that he was going to hold it together. “He’s okay,” Liv said softly. 

“They said he probably has asthma,” Rafael whispered. “This could happen again.” 

“Next time, he’ll have an inhaler or medicine,” Liv replied, reaching out a hand to lay on his arm. 

“They have him on steroids and all kinds of medicine. I don’t—I don’t even know what to think right now,” Rafael whispered, pressing his hand against his forehead. 

“Your child was sick. You did what you had to do. Now, you get to feel the way you feel, and you get to cry, and you get to go hold your son,” Liv said, reaching for his hand and squeezing. Liv grabbed Noah’s hand, and they followed a nurse to Ben’s room. 

………………………

Liv was trying to give Rafael some time to be with Ben. When they had made it to the room, he’d burst into tears again, so she stayed with him as he looked into the little crib. Ben was laying there, hooked up to tubes just like the doctor said he’d be, and it had been a lot for him, but he’d eventually calmed down enough that he wanted some time with Ben. Liv took Noah to the cafeteria and let him get some juice and a snack, and now she was in the gift shop with him. 

She was mostly just looking around when Noah said her name, and she turned. He was holding a very small teddy bear with a little blue bow around the neck. “Mom, can we get this for Ben?” 

“Aw, Noah, that’s really nice of you. I think Ben and Uncle Rafa would appreciate that,” Liv said. 

“Were you sad like that when I got sick?” Noah asked, and Liv stroked a hand over his hair. 

“Yes, Noah, I was very sad and scared. That’s why Uncle Rafa needs lots of hugs. He’s scared and worried that Ben won’t get better or that it hurts because he loves Ben a lot,” Liv said, taking the teddy bear. She looked around figuring Rafael could probably use something to cheer him up. She wanted to put a smile back on his face. 

…………………….

Liv stood at the door of the room, looking inside. Rafael had stripped out of his shirt, and he had Ben snuggled up against his chest, the tubes and wires carefully arranged around them. Ben’s vitals looked better to Liv when she looked at the little screen they had to monitor him. Rafael was looking down at Ben, stroking his hand over his son’s head. It was a heavy moment, and she wasn’t sure she wanted to interrupt, but Noah was excited to give Ben his present. 

“Uncle Rafa!” he said excitedly, and Rafael looked up. 

“Shh, Noah,” Liv said. “Ben is sleeping.” Noah looked at her, eyes wide. 

“Sorry,” he whispered. 

“It’s okay,” Rafael said. “You can come over here. The doctor gave him a little something to help him get some rest. He’s out cold for now.” Noah looked to Liv, and she nodded, so he slowly walked over to Rafael. 

“I got him something,” Noah said, holding out the teddy bear, and Rafael stared at it for a second. Liv saw his throat bob. 

“Thank you, Noah,” Rafael said softly. “I think he’s going to love it.” He tucked the teddy bear by Ben, in his arms. 

“Alright Noah, how about you go settle down on the chair over there, and you can play with my iPad or get some sleep, okay?” Liv said. Noah nodded, not putting up much of a fight. Liv could tell he was tired. The sugar rush from the juice had worn off, and it was past late. Liv got Noah settled, and she kissed his forehead as he watched a movie on the iPad, starting to drift off quickly. 

Liv went back over to Rafael who was still sitting with Ben. She sat on the arm of the chair he was sitting in, wrapping her arms around his shoulders, and he leaned into her silently. There was a wordless understanding between them. He needed comfort, and she was going to provide it. She looked down at the little baby in his arms, and she was reminded of how proud she was of him. He was stronger than he realized, and his son was strong. Ben might have been the cutest baby she’d ever seen apart from Noah, and she was a little biased in that category. She thought it might be because he reminded her so much of Rafael. Ben had her best friend’s eyes and his dark, thick hair. His nose was a little crooked like Rafael’s. He was definitely the lawyer’s son. 

Liv ran her hand over the bare skin of his shoulder and upper back. She could feel raised, furled flesh. She knew what a scar felt like. She’d spent countless hours, running her fingers over the scars that had been carved into her own flesh, wishing they’d disappear. His back was littered with them. She knew a scar was a deep and personal thing, and she wasn’t sure how he felt about his, so she moved her fingers away from the ones she could feel. She could feel Rafael’s shoulders shaking as he gulped, trying to hold back his tears. 

She watched as he very carefully stroked Ben’s little cheek with his thumb. “I have no idea what I’m doing,” he whispered. “He deserves better than this.” 

“Rafa,” Liv whispered. “This wasn’t your fault.” 

“Don’t say that,” he whispered. “I fucked up.” He glanced at Noah. “Sorry.” 

“He’s not listening,” Liv said softly. She stroked her hand over the nape of his neck. “Put him down for a little bit. I got you something.” Rafael looked hesitant, but after a few moments, he kissed Ben’s forehead, gently putting him in the crib. He stood there for a few seconds, looking down at his son before turning away. Liv grabbed him, pulling him in for a hug again, and he stood there, pressing his face against her shirt, sobbing softly. “He’s okay,” she whispered. “It’s alright now.” Liv got him to sit down again before she handed him the gift wrapped bag. 

“You didn’t have to get me anything,” he whispered, his voice still watery. 

“I wanted to,” Liv said. He slowly dug around in his bag, pulling out a few different varieties of candy, and there were little bags of chips for him to snack on. He snorted, sniffling again and wiping his face. The next thing he pulled out was a little book. It was a children’s book, and Rafael looked at Liv with emotion in his eyes. A book to read to Ben. Finally, he dug out a tee shirt, and when he unfolded it, he couldn’t stop the smile that spread across his face. It said ‘World’s Best Dad’ in big, blue bubble letters. 

“I’m really not,” he whispered. 

“You are to him,” Liv said softly. “You have to cut yourself a break. You’re still learning.” Rafael pulled the shirt on, taking the tissues Liv was holding out and scrubbing the tears away. 

“Liv, how could I let this happen?” He whispered. “Who knows how long he was struggling to breathe. I didn’t set the alarm, and when I laid down, I wished it wouldn’t go off. I had no idea how to help him.” 

“You didn’t even know what was wrong with him. How could you? He’s never had an asthma attack before,” Liv said. 

“They said it’s because he’s a preemie,” Rafael whispered. “They said he could develop more lung problems. They want to keep the feeding tube for a little bit. They said, he probably should still be in the NICU and shouldn’t have left a hospital so early. I don’t know what she did or why.” Liv rubbed his back some more. 

“She’s put you in a hell of a position, Rafael. It’s not your fault,” Liv said. “You should get some rest. Ben is stable, and he’s asleep. You should come home with me. I’ll bring you back first thing tomorrow.” 

“No,” Rafael said. “I need to be here with him. What if he needs me?” 

“Rafa, he’s going to be alright,” Liv said softly. “You need to get sleep.” 

“I don’t want him to wake up alone,” Rafael said. “I don’t want him to be scared. He’s had a hard enough night.” 

“Will you at least lay down?” Liv asked. “They can bring you a bed.” 

“Okay,” Rafael finally agreed. He was quiet for a couple of moments. “Will you stay?” 

“Sure, I’ll stay. We both will,” Liv said. 

“Thank you,” Rafael whispered. He looked absolutely exhausted. Liv talked to a nurse who brought a bed for him to sleep on, and he obediently got under the covers. Noah was sleeping in a chair in the corner, and Liv was going to sleep in the chair Rafael had just vacated, but as soon as she sat down, he spoke up. “No way in hell you’re sleeping there.” 

“Rafa, it’s alright,” Liv said. 

“No, there’s room over here. Come on,” Rafael said, patting the bed beside him, scooting over for her. She hesitated, but she realized he wasn’t going to take no for an answer. 

Liv climbed into the bed with him, and there was just enough room. She was pressed up against his side, and she rested her head against his chest, hugging him. He pressed his face against the top of her head. “Thank you,” Rafael whispered. 

“I know you’re scared,” Liv said. “I’m here.” She felt him tighten his hold. 

……………………….

“I think if we try the NG tube for this week, he might have an easier time breathing. Sometimes, it’s hard for preemies to suck and breathe at the same time. We’ll take some of the strain off and see how it goes,” the doctor said. 

“And if he has an asthma attack again?” Rafael asked. 

“We’re sending you home with an inhaler and a nebulizer. I’ll have a nurse show you how to administer the medicine when Ben needs it. When you come in for your weekly check up with his regular doctor, mention the asthma, and they can do a check up. He’s going to be okay,” the doctor said. 

“When is he going to wake up?” Rafael asked wringing his hands. Liv took one of them between hers, trying to get him to calm down. The doctors were getting ready to discharge Ben, and Rafael was more nervous than before. Liv was doing her best to keep him calm. 

“He should be coming out of the sedation very soon. The nurse will show you how to feed him with the tube, and next week, it should be changed. I’ll print you out the paperwork for discharge,” the doctor said. Rafael nodded, and he shook the man’s hand, but Liv was sure he was terrified. She rubbed his back, guiding him back into the hospital room, and sure enough, Ben started to cry a little bit. He looked groggy, eyes barely open, but Rafael reached for him, pulling him close, tears in his eyes. 

“Hey, buddy,” he whispered. “It’s all okay now. Daddy has you. I’m sorry, Benny. I’ll do better.” Ben calmed down in Rafael’s arms, and Liv was glad that he was okay. 

“Rafa,” she said softly. “Maybe you should come stay at my place, just for a couple of days. You’re stressed, and you might need an extra hand with Ben.” 

“Are you sure?” Rafael asked softly, and she nodded. He didn’t put up a fight which was a testament to his exhaustion. “He’s cold,” Rafael said softly. Liv reached for a blanket, helping Rafael to wrap the baby up. 

“Can you eat something?” Liv asked Rafael softly. She was worried that he was going to run himself ragged like this. He wasn’t taking care of himself. 

“I don’t know,” he whispered.

“Rafa, listen, part of being a good Dad to Ben is taking care of yourself. You can’t take care of him if you don’t pay attention to what you need as well,” Liv said. Rafael was quiet for a couple of minutes. 

“Okay,” he finally said. Liv woke Noah up, and they headed down to the cafeteria to get some breakfast. 

When she came back, Rafael was signing papers, Ben still snuggled up in his arms. Ben was looking around curiously, and Rafael was talking to him softly as he worked. “You should always listen to Aunt Liv,” he whispered. “She’s smarter than me, Ben. I’m doing my best, buddy, but I’m so lost.” 

“I am pretty smart, but I’m not the one that went to Harvard,” Liv teased, and Rafael laughed. “Here, I’ll hold him so you can finish that.” 

“Thank you,” Rafael said softly. He handed Ben over to her, and she held him while Noah ate. 

“I got you a coffee and some breakfast,” Liv said, setting it down on the table Rafael was using to fill out the paperwork. 

“I’m almost done here. Then I’ll eat. I promise,” Rafael said. 

“I’m going to hold you to that,” Liv replied, bouncing Ben who was starting to cry. 

“Is Ben feeling better, Uncle Rafa?” Noah asked. 

“He’s feeling a lot better,” Rafael said, looking over at Noah with a smile. “He gets to go home now because they think he’s going to be fine.” 

“Noah, Ben and Uncle Rafa are going to come home with us for a little while,” Liv said, going over to her son. 

“Where’s Ben gonna sleep?” Noah asked. 

“I still have your old crib. Ben can sleep in the living room, and Uncle Rafa can sleep on the couch,” Liv said. 

“Can I hold Ben again?” Noah asked. Liv looked to Rafael who hesitated a second, but then he nodded. 

“Noah, you have to be very careful with him, honey. He has some tubes here that you can’t pull out,” Liv said softly. Noah nodded eagerly, and she helped him take Ben into his arms. Noah smiled at Ben, and Liv handed him the teddy bear. 

“I got this for you, Ben,” he said softly. “I thought maybe you needed a friend. I have one named Eddie. He’s an elephant.” Liv glanced at Rafael who was smiling, watching their sons together. “What’s the tube for in his nose?” Noah asked. 

“That’s so he can eat,” Rafael said softly. “Ben was supposed to be in his Mommy’s belly for longer, so he has a hard time eating and breathing at the same time. The doctor said that may have been why he was feeling so bad last night, so we’re going to try and make it easier for him for a little bit. That tube goes down in his stomach.” 

“Is that why he’s so small?” Noah asked. 

“Exactly,” Rafael said. “But he’s going to get bigger, and he’s going to catch up.” Rafael didn’t exactly sound convinced, but he was doing his best to sound optimistic. Liv knew he was terrified and scared, and she wanted to reassure him, but she wasn’t sure how to make him feel better. 

Rafael finally put the pen down, starting to eat, and Liv took the baby back from Noah. She was ready to get Rafael home so he could sleep. He looked horrible. She was going to have to convince him that he needed to take care of himself much better if he was going to get the hang of this single dad thing. 


	4. Chapter 4

Rafael was fidgeting in the passenger seat of Liv’s car. He had Ben’s prescriptions in his lap, and he was moving around nervously every couple of seconds. “He’s fine,” Liv said softly, laying a hand on Rafael’s leg. 

“I know, I’m just…” he paused looking out the window and forcing himself to take a deep breath. “Look, this is a lot. He has a tube in his nose, and I’m supposed to feed him through it. What if it comes out? What if something goes wrong?” 

“I know this isn’t easy, Rafa, but I’ll help you, and the doctors are only a call away. Ben is going to be alright,” Liv promised. “They showed us how to insert another one. You aren’t alone.” 

“Thank you,” He whispered for about the millionth time. “I was going to come back to work on Monday if I could, but I’m going to push it back a little bit.” 

“Maybe Lucy can come over and get to know him while you’re staying with us. It might make transitioning a little easier,” Liv said. 

“Okay,” Rafael whispered. He had Ben’s new teddy bear in his hands. He was squeezing it tight. Liv could see he was scared, and she hoped she could calm him down a little bit when they made it home. She knew this was very stressful, and she understood how he was feeling to an extent, but he seemed like he was ready to break. She hoped he might let her shoo him off to bed soon after they made it back to her apartment. He had dark bags under his eyes and a couple of days worth of scruff. His hair was a mess, and he definitely needed a shower. 

He got Ben out of the car when she parked, and he followed Liv into the building and into the elevator. Noah was holding her hand. When they made it inside, Liv set up Ben’s crib. Rafael was sitting on the couch, cuddling Ben close to him. Ben was sleeping again. He was still recovering from the asthma attack. Rafael looked like he was falling asleep as well, his eyes drooping every few seconds. 

Liv was dreading Ben’s first feeding through the tube. Rafael was going to be very worried, and she knew it. They were supposed to feed him through the tube for half of his feedings, and they were slowly going to wean him back to full bottle feedings. The doctors just wanted to give him a little bit of a break where he could focus on breathing instead of struggling with sucking and breathing at the same time. 

She saw Rafael blinking some more, forcing his eyes open, and he looked over to her. “Go to sleep if you want,” she said. “I can take him and get him situated.” He shrugged for a second, looking away, and Liv could see the way his mind was racing. He had been asleep when Ben had the asthma attack. That had to be what was holding him back. “Honey, I will watch Ben. Take a nap. You’re exhausted.” Liv looked him in the eyes, and he finally nodded. He handed over the baby, and Liv took Ben into her arms. Rafael pivoted on the couch, rubbing his face as he got his legs up on the cushions, closing his eyes and curling in on himself as he started to fall asleep. Liv could see just how tired he was. He was falling asleep almost immediately. 

Liv was just glad that he might be able to sleep. She was going to order his favorite take out, and then, she was going to make sure he ate every last bite. Liv wasn’t going to let him run himself down enough that he wasn’t going to get through. Liv put Ben down in his crib to sleep, and she covered Rafael with a blanket. “Mmm, thanks,” he mumbled, and Liv smoothed some hair back from his forehead before leaving him to sleep. She kept the baby monitor right next to her. 

………………………..

Rafael was sitting at the table, picking at his food. Noah was eating his dinner, and Liv was bouncing the baby. Ben was sucking on his pacifier happily, and it was almost time to feed him with the NG tube for the first time. She was pretty sure that’s why Rafael wasn’t eating. He was nervous, and Liv wished he wouldn’t be. “Rafa,” she said softly. “Come on, eat your food.” 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m just...I’m nervous.” 

“Let’s feed him now then, and you can eat after,” Liv said. He finally nodded. Liv got the supplies together, and they sat down on the couch. Rafael aspirated the tube just to be safe, and then they started feeding Ben the way the doctor showed him. Liv helped him do it nice and slowly. He was watching Ben carefully, but the baby didn’t seem to mind. He hadn’t even cried when they’d taken the pacifier. He was just looking up at Rafael curiously, his little hands balled into fists. Liv stroked her hand over his full head of dark hair, trying to keep him calm as Rafael continued to push the formula through the tube. 

Ben made a little gurgling noise, and Rafael stopped immediately, looking at Liv with concern on his face. “Rafa,” she said. “He’s good. That’s just a noise babies make.” 

“Are you sure?” he asked. 

“The tube is safe, Rafael. He’s fine,” Liv replied. Rafael took a deep breath, and he pressed down on the syringe again before letting gravity pull it through. 

“We’re gonna get you big and strong, mijo,” Rafael whispered, stroking Ben’s face with his thumb. “Everything is going to turn out okay.” Liv smiled at Rafael. 

Liv was proud of Rafael for getting through the feeding, and she was glad it went well for both his and Ben’s sake. Maybe now, he could relax a little bit, and Ben would hopefully continue to improve. She knew he was stressed beyond belief, but she was determined to get him through this. He gathered Ben up close, kissing his face and cuddling him. Ben didn’t seem overly upset thankfully, but Rafael wanted to give him some extra love. Ben fell asleep quickly, and Rafael put him in his crib before Liv got him to eat his food again, and this time he was eating like his normal self. 

…………………………

Liv let Rafael sleep in late. He was out cold on the couch. He’d been up twice in the middle of the night to feed Ben, but she had done most of it after some arguing with him. She was taking a personal day from work once more, and she needed to get Rafael back on his feet if he was going to take care of his son. Noah was at school, so it wasn’t too hard to keep it quiet in the apartment. When Ben cried, she took him back in the bedroom and rocked him or fed him. 

When Rafael finally woke up, Liv was playing with Ben on the floor. She was moving his legs in little circles, and he was looking up at her curiously. “Hello Mr. Ben,” she said, making faces at him. 

“What are you doing?” Rafael asked, his voice sounding groggy. Liv looked over, seeing him sit up on the couch. 

“I’m talking to him. He needs to be played with. It helps him learn,” Liv said. “And this helps him build up his muscles.” 

“There should be a book about all this,” Rafael whispered. “I’d be too tired to read it, but there should be like a baby manual.” Liv laughed. “What time is it?” he asked, moving onto the floor beside her. 

“Three in the afternoon,” Liv said. 

“What!? Why’d you let me sleep so late?” he exclaimed. Ben started to fuss, but Liv rubbed his belly. 

“Shhh, Benny bear, it’s okay buddy,” Liv murmured. Rafael picked Ben up. 

“Sorry, Ben,” he whispered. “I didn’t mean to scare you.” 

“I let you sleep because you’re absolutely exhausted. Now that you’re well rested, you can look after your son,” Liv said. Rafael was rocking Ben. “Try reading him a book. He’s going to need changed soon and a bottle.” 

“Thanks, Liv,” Rafael said softly, and she smiled at him. 

“Anytime,” she said patting his arm before walking away. 

…………………………..

Liv was ready to be home. She was tired after work. She had offered to stay home another day with Rafael, but he had insisted that he could handle it especially if Lucy was around to help. He hadn’t called her in a panic, so she was trusting that things were going alright. She opened the door, hanging up her coat and putting her bag down. 

“Mama!” Noah called. “I want ice cream, but Uncle Rafa said I had to wait and ask you.”

“Noah,” Rafael said with a laugh. “Let your mom come inside first and sit down.” Liv wanted to hug him. She took her shoes off, coming into the living room, and she had to stop. She couldn’t stop the smile from spreading across her face. Rafael was leaning over Ben, making silly faces and ticking his belly. Liv took a seat on the couch, leaning back and trying to relax. Ben seemed to be in a good mood. “I told Lucy she could go home,” Rafael said in a high pitched voice like he was still talking to Ben. “I figured Noah, Ben and I could figure things out. We had dinner. There’s still some in the oven for you.” 

“Thank you, Rafa,” Liv said. “Did Ben cry a lot?” 

“I think he burst Daddy’s eardrums, but after we took a long nap and had lots and lots of formula, Mr. Grumpypants started to cheer up. Didn’t you, Benny boo?” Rafael said, and Liv snorted. 

“Did you just call your son ‘Benny boo’?” Liv asked. 

“I have got to stop using this baby voice,” Rafael said softly, and Liv laughed again. 

“I don’t know, I think it’s cute. I didn’t ever think I’d hear you say ‘Mr. Grumpypants.’” Liv was very amused watching Rafael with Ben, and she couldn’t keep it from her voice. 

“Shut up,” Rafael said softly. 

“Mama, can I have ice cream?” Noah whined, interrupting them. 

“One scoop,” Liv said. “You need to go to bed soon.” 

“Fine,” Noah pouted. Liv helped him get his ice cream, and she found the pasta they had for dinner in the oven, staying warm. She got herself a plate and a glass of wine, settling on the couch. 

Rafael was singing to Ben now, and he was making hand motions close to Ben’s face so he could see them. “The itsy bitsy spider climbed up the water spout,” he sang softly, and Liv smiled at them. She loved watching him like this. He was dressed so casually in jeansq and a tee shirt, and he was acting so freely and unguarded. She could see the raw emotion in his eyes when he talked to or about Ben. Seeing him like this was a privilege. Ben was watching his fingers intently, and Rafael seemed encouraged by that. “ Vino la lluvia y se la llevó.” Liv liked listening him speak in Spanish, and she thought it was cute that he was combing the two languages when he was singing to Ben. “Out came the sun and dried up all the rain.” Rafael was about to finish the song when Ben started to cough. He stopped singing immediately. “Ben?” Rafael asked softly. “Honey, are you okay?” She knew that Rafael knew full well that Ben couldn’t answer, but he was scared. Ben was wheezing now, and Liv calmly went and got the inhaler. Rafael’s hands were shaking as he took it. 

“It’s alright, Rafa,” Liv said. 

“It’s only been four days since we came home from the hospital,” Rafael whispered. He stroked his hand over Ben’s hair, fitting the inhaler into the spacer and pressing the little mask to Ben’s face. Ben sucked in just like he was supposed to, and Rafael relaxed as his son began to breathe better. Rafael wiped tears from Ben’s face. “That’s it, Ben, it’s alright. You did so good. It’s all okay now. Daddy’s here.” 

“You did good,” Liv said as Rafael picked Ben up, but she could see that he was barely holding back tears. “I know that was scary, but Ben is okay.” 

“I know,” Rafael whispered, still holding Ben close. “It’s okay.” She wasn’t sure if he was talking to Ben or himself. Rafael settled on the couch beside Liv, holding Ben close. He looked disturbed. He stroked the back of Ben’s head, comforting the baby. “It’s okay, Ben. I love you, honey. I love you so much.”

Liv laid a hand on Rafael’s leg, trying to calm him down. He had been up bright and early this morning after spending the past few days sleeping a lot. Now, he seemed to feel rested, and Lucy had assured her he was taking naps when Ben was. She had left him alone that morning with the Nanny, and Rafael had insisted he would be fine. He wanted to be with Ben and Lucy for a couple of days before he tried going back to work. “Did you show Lucy the inhaler?” Liv asked. 

“I’ll do that tomorrow,” Rafael said softly. “She helped me feed him though. He has a doctor’s appointment tomorrow. As long as that goes well, I’m going to try coming back to work Monday.” 

“Okay, sounds good. Lucy will take good care of him,” Liv said. Rafael nodded, but he didn’t look convinced. 

…………………………..

Liv was angry, furious even. She could barely keep her temper in check as she stormed into the office she had spent her morning tracking down. It was a high end Corporate firm, and Liv was planning to give one of their associates a piece of her mind. Rafael had spent half the night having another complete breakdown. He was going in and out of the panic, worrying about raising his son on his own. She knew he couldn’t stop worrying about all the information he didn’t have about Ben. He’d really been handcuffed by the circumstances, and he was doing his best to figure it out for Ben’s sake. 

She didn’t understand how Ben’s mother couldn’t even bother to answer her phone and give Rafael’s some sort of information. If she didn’t want Ben, fine, that was her choice, but she had really put Rafael in a terrible position by waiting to tell him, and then just dumping Ben on him with absolutely no warning whatsoever. Liv wasn’t just going to sit there while Rafael freaked out over the information he didn’t have. She knew he would feel much more relaxed if he had the full picture. His brain needed information to work with, and she was going to get it for him. 

The office was on the second floor, and Liv flashed her badge when anyone questioned her. Her eyes narrowed when she spotted the woman’s name on the door. Liv went inside without knocking, and she had to stop. She was gorgeous. The mother of Rafael’s baby had seemingly endless, long legs. She had a perfect, hourglass like figure, and she was the kind of woman who would draw every man’s attention when she walked in the room. She was every girl that Liv had ever hated in high school, and she acted like it too. 

“Excuse me, what are you doing in here?” She asked, and Liv had to pull herself together. She couldn’t think about Rafael being with  _ her _ . She had more important things to do. She had to push it from her mind and ignore the churning in her gut. It was this ugly, sickly feeling in her stomach, and she wasn’t prepared to face it. 

“Elena Adams?” Liv asked, ensuring she had the right woman. 

“That’s what it says in the door. Look, I don’t have time for games. I have a big meeting in fifteen minutes,” Elena said. 

“I’m Lieutenant Benson. I’m here about your son, Ms. Adams,” Liv said, and she saw the brief flicker of panic in the other woman’s eyes. 

“You must have the wrong person. I don’t have a son,” Elena replied quickly, grabbing files from her desk and avoiding Liv’s gaze. 

“Elena, I’m a friend of Rafael’s,” Liv said. The other woman sighed, pausing for a second before looking at Liv. 

“You must be Olivia,” she said. “He talks about you. A lot. Look, I don’t have time for this. I have a meeting.” 

“I don’t care if you want Ben or not. I just need some information,” Liv said. 

“He named him Ben,” she said softly. “I knew he’d take good care of him.” 

“He’s doing his best,” Liv said. “I can wait. I just need to talk to you. After your meeting maybe.” 

“Fine. Wait here. Don’t touch anything please. I’ll be back in half an hour. You can buy me lunch,” Elena said. “I’ll give you your answers then.”

………………………..

It had been over an hour, and Liv was still sitting in that office, twiddling her thumbs. She had more important things that she should have been doing, but she was planning on doing this for Rafael no matter what. He needed this for his mental sanity. Finally, at about an hour and a half past when Liv was supposed to be having lunch with Ben’s mother, she finally walked back into the room, setting her bag down. “Sorry,” she said. “I got held up. We can go now.” 

Liv stood, leading the lawyer out of the building. They walked to a restaurant down the street and sat down. “I never wanted a kid,” Elena said after they’d ordered drinks. “The only reason Rafael and I….we knew each other a long time ago, and it was just supposed to be a way to let some steam off. It was supposed to be no strings attached.” 

“How could you….” Liv trailed off, but the other woman knew what she was asking. 

“I panicked,” she said softly. “I didn’t figure out I was pregnant for a long time. We used condoms, I’m on the pill. I don’t know what happened. I was months along before I found out. Five months. I didn’t gain weight, I was tired, but I’m always tired. The pill prevents a period sometimes. Then, the baby was coming early and it was too late, and I panicked again. I don’t have time for a baby.” Liv was quiet for a couple of minutes. She wasn’t sure how to respond. She didn’t want to be rude, but she didn’t have anything nice to say. She did, however, still need answers. 

“When was Ben’s due date?” Liv asked. 

“He was 9 weeks early,” Elena said. “And the doctors wanted to keep him for longer, but I needed to get back to work, so I took him out of the hospital. I didn’t know what to say to Rafael, and I didn’t want to argue with him. I knew he’d take good care of the baby.” 

“His name is Ben,” Liv said softly. “What did the doctors say at the hospital about him?” 

“Nothing alarming. They said he was small because he was born early, and they said he might have some developmental delays because of that, but they said he was doing well,” Elena said. They had to pause when the waiter came back, and they ordered. “He looked like Rafael.” 

“His eyes,” Liv said softly. “And his nose.” 

“The hair too,” Elena said. “I knew Rafael in law school. He was never good at the no strings attached thing. I should have known this would happen. Something would happen.” 

“I need a detailed family history. I’ll give you my email. You can type it up and send it there,” Liv said. 

“Fine,” she said. “Is he--Is Rafael doing alright?” 

“He’s adjusting,” Liv said. She wasn’t going to give more detail than that. If she wanted to know, she could ask Rafael. 

“And Ben?” she asked. 

“He’s alright. We’ve had a few scares, but the doctors have been doing a good job of taking care of him,” Liv said. 

“He really cares about you. And he’s really good in bed,” Elena said, and Liv could feel her cheeks heating up. She didn’t want to think about Rafael in bed with this woman. “I think you two should give it a try.” Liv cleared her throat. 

“Right now, he just needs my help,” Liv said softly. 

“It’s sweet that you tracked me down like this. I can see you care about him too. He’s good at the romance thing. Sometimes, he doesn’t know how to turn it off,” the lawyer said, and Liv desperately wanted to remove herself from this conversation. Her feelings towards Rafael were complicated and very confusing, but she reminded herself that she was doing this for Rafael and she smiled through the awkwardness. 

…………………………

When Liv made it home, the apartment was quiet. Noah was at a friend’s house. It was dark in the apartment, and when she made her way farther inside, she saw Rafael’s wild hair. He was fast asleep on the couch, and when she got closer, she saw Ben, on his back on top of Rafael’s chest, and he was out cold as well. They almost looked like mirror images of each other, the same wild, brown hair (Ben’s was sticking out of a little blue hat), the same long eyelashes, the same crooked nose, the same outstretched stance, their right legs bent just a little bit at the knee, one arm hanging over the side. Liv took a picture. 

Rafael had been touched when she told him she’d spoken with Elena. He had hugged her, and the information had seemed to calm him a little bit. He was planning on trying to go back to work after the weekend, but she just hoped that he wouldn’t freak out when it actually came time to trust Lucy with Ben. Liv let him sleep. They both seemed peaceful, and she didn’t want to disturb that. Ben was all cuddled up in a onesie Rafael had picked out, and it said, “Freshly Brewed,” and there was a picture of a Starbucks cup. Liv thought it was adorable. It had feet and little fold over mittens, and Ben was also wearing the hat. He got cold easily because he was so small, but the doctors thought he was regulating his temperature well enough that he didn’t need to go back to the NICU for now. Rafael was just careful to keep him warm when it was chilly out. 

It was cool in the apartment with the air conditioning, but she did think Rafael was being a little bit over cautious. She gently took the hat from Ben’s head, hoping it would keep him from getting overheated. While they slept, she ordered dinner, not having the energy to try and make it. She was glad it was a Friday night, and she could sleep in a little bit hopefully. Rafael had been taking over all the night feedings since he’d caught up on his sleep. He was doing better at getting himself on Ben’s schedule. It was going to be harder when he went to work, but they were going to cross that bridge when they got there. 

Liv was grateful that Rafael trusted her enough to let her help him through this. He had a lot going on in his life, and she would have been breaking down if she was in his shoes. 

The doorbell was what ended up waking them both up. Ben started screaming, and that made Rafael jerk awake. “Oh, Benny baby, it’s okay,” Rafael whispered in his fake, baby voice. Ben started to hiccup, so Rafael rocked him. Ben wasn’t stopping though, so Rafael stood up, trying to calm him down. He walked in paces while Liv set the bag down on the counter. He was singing to Ben, rocking him and trying to get him to stop crying. “Do you want your binky? Where did Daddy put it? Hmm? You probably know. Too bad you can’t talk yet…” Rafael was bending over and looking at the floor by the couch, but he couldn’t seem to find the pacifier. Just a week ago, he would have been frazzled by now. Even a couple of days ago, he might have freaked out, but he was staying calm for the most part, and he had moved on to trying to distract Ben in another way. 

They were on the floor, and Rafael was shaking a rattle in front of Ben’s eyes. Ben seemed to be following it pretty well, and the sound definitely caught his attention. His breath was still hitching as he sniffled, but he wasn’t sobbing anymore. “That’s it, Ben. It’s okay. There’s nothing to cry about, sweetheart.” 

“Hungry?” Liv asked. 

“Yeah,” Rafael replied, yawning. 

“Do you want me to feed him?” Liv asked, wanting to give Rafael a break. 

“You don’t have to,” Rafael said. 

“I want to,” Liv said back. “Take a break. You can get a shower if you want, eat dinner, and then maybe we can watch something.” 

“I’m gonna eat and then get a shower,” he said. “I’m starving.” 

“Dig in, I ordered Italian. Not Forlini’s. I wish they delivered,” Liv said. 

“Mm,” Rafael said. “Anything sounds good honestly. I haven’t eaten in hours. Ben was cranky today.” 

“Did Lucy give you a hand?” Liv asked. 

“She was the only reason I had lunch,” Rafael replied, prying the plastic off the container of his food. “I’m serious, he would not stop screaming. Almost all day. I think Noah was glad to get out of the house.” 

“How’d he take his milk today?” Liv asked. 

“Not great. The grumpiness didn’t help. We managed though, and he didn’t have an asthma attack,” Rafael said. Liv had Ben in her arms, bouncing him, and he was still being grumpy and fussy. 

“Shh, Benny bear, it’s okay,” Liv whispered. “You’re alright. Did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed, cutie?” Liv caught Rafael staring at her, and she smiled at him. She settled on the couch beside him with Ben, and she started to feed him. “Oh wow, he’s taking the bottle a little better,” Liv said, stroking his hair. “I think the feeding tube has been a good idea.” 

“I hope so,” Rafael said softly. “I feel bad that he has a tube shoved up his nose and down his throat. He’s just a baby. He doesn’t deserve this.” 

“He doesn’t seem uncomfortable,” Liv replied, cradling Ben’s head in her hand. She was supporting his back with her forearm. 

“He cries when I feed him through the tube. I hate doing it,” Rafael whispered. 

“What you’re doing is what’s best for him,” Liv said. “He needs you to take care of him even if it doesn’t feel good in the moment.” 

“I never know what to do,” Rafael said softly. “I’m scared of doing the wrong thing. I just--I love him more than I ever thought was possible, and it terrifies me that I’m solely responsible for him now. I’m supposed to know what to do.” 

“You’re supposed to do the very best that you can,” Liv said softly. 

“And if that’s not good enough?” Rafael asked softly. Liv was quiet for a second, and he looked away for a couple of seconds before he fixed his gaze on Ben again. She could see the emotion in his eyes. “I never had a father, not one I could emulate anyways. I don’t know how to be a father. I don’t know how to take care of him.” 

“Rafael,” Liv whispered. “You are not your father. You love Ben so much. I see it in your eyes every single day. You do everything you can for him, and you barely have had time to get to know him. You just automatically loved him, and you’re doing your very best to care for him. You’re not your father.” 

“Thanks,” Rafael whispered. “I’m trying my very best. I love him more than anything in the world.” 

“I know you do,” Liv said softly. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a shorter chapter. I hope you all enjoy. I'm trying to get ahead on this WIP so I have something to post a little more regularly. We'll see.

When Rafael woke up on Liv’s couch, he felt sick to his stomach. Today was the day he was going back to work. He rolled over, looking at his sleeping son in the crib a few feet away. How was he supposed to leave him with anyone? He was terrified that something might happen to Ben when he wasn’t there. 

He knew he was going to be thinking about the baby all day. He was also going to go home after work. It was past time that he was on his own again. He was ready to give it another try, and this time, he was sure he was going to succeed. He had to. Not only was his back killing him from sleeping on the couch, but he was also in Liv’s way. 

They didn’t need a baby in the apartment. Rafael was done disrupting her life and Noah’s life if he could help it. He slowly sat up, looking over the edge of the crib. Then, he reached for Ben. He wanted to hold him before he left. Ben blinked at him repeatedly, looking exhausted, and his little hand was balled up into a fist by his face. “Hey, Ben. Hey, baby boy, I love you,” Rafael whispered, kissing Ben’s forehead. “Are you gonna be a good boy today for Lucy? Daddy is going to be gone for a little bit, but I’ll be back. I promise.” 

He made a bottle for Ben, settling on the couch to feed him while he watched tv. He was up earlier than he needed to be for work, but he couldn’t sleep knowing that he was going to be leaving Ben in a few hours. Liv was right, Ben was definitely sucking on the bottle better. Rafael definitely thought he was bigger too. His belly was a little fuller. He hoped it wasn’t just wishful thinking. Ben lifted his hand like he was reaching for the bottle, and Rafael smiled proudly. He was proud of Ben. He was proud of every stride his son made because he was surviving harsh odds. He had a lot of ground to make up, but Rafael had to believe that Ben was going to pull through and live a normal life. He loved him too much to think anything else. If he wasn’t believing in Ben, who else would? “You’re going to grow up into a big, strong man,” Rafael whispered. “Yes you are, yes you are, Benny.” Ben finished his bottle, and Rafael smiled. He had put in a little bit of extra formula, and Ben had drank it all. Sometimes, he would leave the last ounce or half an ounce, but he had finished all of it this time. “Good job,” Rafael said, smiling at his son. Ben’s big green eyes were looking back up at him as he made a little gurgling noise. “Good job, Ben.” 

He burped Ben, and he changed him all before Liv appeared. “Coffee?” she asked. 

“Yes please,” Rafael said, standing up. “I think the DA needs a special baby consultant. What do you think, Benny bear?” Liv laughed, but when she looked at him, there was a sympathetic look in her eyes. 

“It’s going to be okay, Rafa. He’ll be alright. I promise,” Liv said softly. Rafael was still holding Ben when he took a seat at the table and sipped his coffee. Ben started to fuss, but Liv brought over his pacifier, and then he shut his eyes and started to drift off to sleep. 

Rafael didn’t want to put him down even when he needed to get dressed, but Liv took him for a little bit so he could go get ready for work. Rafael had a suit hanging in Liv’s closet. He had picked it up over the weekend so he would have it for work. It didn’t take him long to get dressed, and then, he quickly did his hair, and Liv had a travel mug of coffee waiting for him in the kitchen with his briefcase. “Thank you,” he said softly, taking his son again. Liv rubbed his back. 

“Car is leaving in ten minutes. Start saying your goodbyes,” she said gently. Rafael gulped. He looked down at Ben who was half asleep, and he felt his heart clench. He didn’t want to leave him. Lucy was just coming in the door, and he felt his heart pick up. He took a deep breath, trying to calm down. 

“Okay, Ben,” he whispered. “I’ll be back later. I love you.” 

“Hey, Ben,” Lucy said softly, coming over to take the baby, and Rafael hesitantly handed him over. “He’s going to be fine, Mr. Barba. We’ll have fun.” 

“You remember how to feed him with the NG tube?” he asked. 

“I remember,” Lucy said. 

“He likes the pacifier if he gets cranky, and he’ll usually calm down if you sing to him,” Rafael said, and Lucy smiled at him. 

“I remember. We’ve got this,” Lucy said. Rafael swallowed. 

“You have my phone number?” he asked as he grabbed his briefcase and the coffee mug. 

“Liv gave it to me. Go on, you don’t want to be late,” Lucy said. Rafael started to leave, but Ben started to cry loudly, and he felt his heart clench. “I’ve got him. He’ll calm down.”

“Bye Ben,” he called softly, and Liv pulled him out the door. He was the one crying on the way down to the car, and Liv rubbed her hand over his back in the elevator. 

“He’s going to be fine,” she said softly. “You can call Lucy at lunch and check in.” He nodded, but he still felt nervous. He climbed in the passenger seat, wiping his eyes, but he was still crying, and he was struggling to stop. All he wanted was to keep his son safe, and leaving him anywhere that he wasn’t was nerve wracking. Liv had some tissues in the glove box, and she handed them to him. He buckled his seatbelt, looking out the window as she pulled out onto the street and started toward work.

…………………………………

Rafael was exhausted by the time he and Liv made it back to her apartment. He had been worrying about Ben all day, and he was dying to see his son and hold him. Liv had barely unlocked the door when he burst into the apartment, looking for Ben. Lucy was sitting on the couch, holding him, and she smiled when she saw Rafael, handing his son over. Rafael felt better now that Ben was in his arms. “Hey, little man,” he whispered. “I told you I’d be back.” He turned to Lucy. “How was he?” 

“He was good. He drank all his milk every two hours. I used the NG tube when you specified. No asthma attacks,” Lucy said. 

“How many wet diapers?” Rafael asked. 

“He’s up to five right now,” she replied. “He slept plenty. We read a few books. He was sad when you left, but he calmed down.” 

“Good,” Rafael said softly. “Thank you.” 

“No problem,” Lucy said. Liv put a hand on Rafael’s shoulder. 

“See,” she said. “He’s fine.” 

“I missed you,” Rafael said, looking down at Ben. “Are you ready to head home? We’re gonna figure this out together.” He stroked Ben’s hair, starting to collect his things. He got Ben into his carseat, and Liv was standing in the living room, looking at him with soft eyes. Rafael loved her eyes. They were this beautiful, piercing brown color that stole his breath away. They always had. 

“You don’t have to go,” Liv said softly. 

“We’ll see you tomorrow morning,” Rafael said. “Thanks for all the help, but it’s time for me to fly.” 

“I’ll help you pack,” Liv said, picking up Ben’s various toys and cleaning up the mess the boys had left in the living room. 

She got his bags packed, and Rafael collected Ben before heading down to get a car to his place. He just hoped he could manage on his own. 

…………………..

Liv was writing case details on the whiteboard in the squad room when she heard Rafael’s voice. She had been called in early, far before when Rafael would be there to drop Ben off.

She turned when she heard him apologizing. “I’m sorry I’m late. I just—this morning has been a mess.” He was out of breath. She did a double take when she saw the carrier strapped to him. Ben made a little noise, and Rafael shushed him, digging out his pacifier from the diaper bag he had slung over his shoulder. 

“Rafa, are you okay?” Liv asked, going over to him. “Couldn’t Lucy watch him?” 

“He needs his vaccinations. The blood work came back, and Dr. Lee wants to follow up on the feeding tube,” Rafael said, stroking his hand over Ben’s hair. Liv could feel the eyes that were glued to them both. 

“Where the hell did you get a baby, Barba?” Fin asked finally, breaking the silence like no one else could. 

“Aww, he’s so cute,” Carisi said. 

“I bought him, on the black market,” Rafael said with an even voice, glancing at Fin. “Custom ordered baby. See, he’s even got green eyes.” 

“How old is he?” Sonny asked. 

“The black market hoodlums weren’t quite sure,” Rafael said. He could feel Liv side eyeing him, but she was obviously amused. “Liv helped me pick him out.” 

“He couldn’t decide between the blond one or this little guy. I have good taste,” Liv said, and Rafael smirked a little bit. 

“I don’t have time for messing around,” Rafael said. “I really do need to go to the doctor’s.” 

“Okay, okay,” Liv said, walking over to the board. She was about to start explaining things when Ben started screaming. Rafael tried the pacifier again, but he wasn’t calming down. 

“Sorry,” Rafael whispered. “Maybe he needs changed.” 

“Here, let me take him,” Sonny said. Rafael stares at the detective for a second. “I can change him. I love babies.” He glanced at Liv, and she nodded slightly. 

“Fine,” Rafael said after a second, unstrapping the harness and carefully handing Ben over to Carisi. The detective took Rafael’s son and started bouncing him as he reached for the diaper bag. Liv pulled a chair over for Rafael, so he could sit down. She patted his shoulder, hoping he would take a moment to relax now that someone was watching Ben. 

When she finished explaining the case to Rafael, and he promised to speak with a judge about a warrant, he stood up, going to find Carisi who was in her office with Ben. Rafael took him back, waving goodbye to Liv as he headed out the door to go to the doctor’s office. 

Fin bumped her shoulder on her way back to her office. “I didn’t notice you were pregnant,” he said with a little smirk on his face. 

“What?” Liv asked. 

“You and Barba sure made a cute baby,” he said, and she rolled her eyes. 

“Shut up, Fin,” she said shaking her head. 

“Come on, the way you two go on and on. It doesn’t take a genius to read between the lines,” Fin said. 

“Apparently you’re no genius,” Liv whispered. She knew there was definitely something special between herself and Rafael, but she was doing her best to avoid her own feelings. He had Ben to worry about now. She couldn’t dangle possibilities that were unsure in front of his face. 

………………………………

Rafael was late. He was so late, and the judge was going to have his ass. He didn’t have any time to drop Ben off anywhere. He had to go straight to his motions hearing and figure out what to do. The appointment had run late because Ben hadn’t been very cooperative with his shots, and then, he had a little bit of a nose bleed when Dr. Lee took the tube out of his nose; it seemed like thing after thing was going wrong. 

Now, Rafael was running to catch a cab. Thankfully traffic was light, and it looked like he would make it into the courtroom just in the nick of time if he ran. Ben was worn out from his appointment, so he was relaxed and fairly quiet as he drifted off. Rafael was grateful that he wasn’t being cranky at the moment. He wasn’t sure if he could handle a crying child in the middle of his argument. 

When he burst into the courtroom, the defense was already there, and the judge was just entering. “Running late, Mr. Barba?” she asked. 

“Sorry your honor,” Rafael said. 

“Is there a reason you have a baby in my courtroom?” She was staring at him, an eyebrow quirked. 

“Again, your honor, I apologize, but we were at the doctor’s office and I needed to make it here on time. He won’t be disruptive. I can still make my argument,” Rafael said, praying that she would be lenient with him. 

“Alright,” she said, and he sighed in relief, stroking his hand over the top of Ben’s head as he started to make his argument. The defense put up a fight, but Rafael had a strong argument and the judge sided with him in the end. He was grateful that Ben had pretty much lulled himself to sleep almost immediately. 

………………………….

Rafael was sitting in Liv’s car, feeling exhausted. She was driving him back to her apartment to collect Ben, and he was going to head home to get some sleep. He was so glad it was a Friday. He was seriously exhausted, and all he wanted to do was lay down and sleep. “You okay?” Liv asked softly. 

“Fine,” he whispered. “Ben just had me up half the night. I’m ready to sleep.” 

“Noah wanted to go to the zoo Sunday. Do you two want to join us?” Liv asked. 

“I’ll have to check Ben’s schedule,” Rafael said with a little smirk. “He’s a very popular baby.” Liv smiled, laughing 

“We’d love to be graced by his presence,” Liv said, glancing over at him. 

“I think the zoo would be fun,” Rafael said. “We can get some lunch then.” 

“Perfect,” Liv said. It was quiet for a couple more moments. “How’s Ben doing with the feeding tube?” 

“Well,” Rafael said. “I really think it’s helping. He’s taking his bottles much better, and Dr. Lee thinks maybe we can take it out next week.” 

“Was it as traumatizing as you though to put a new one in?” Liv asked. 

“It was horrible,” Rafael whispered. “But it was necessary. We had to do some extra cuddling to make up for it.” Liv smiled softly. 

“You should be really proud of yourself, Rafa,” Liv said. “You’ve somehow taken all of this in stride. You’re taking amazing care of Ben.” 

“I’m trying so hard,” Rafael said softly. She reached over, taking his hand and squeezing it. 

When they made it in the door, Noah was sitting on the couch, and Ben was in the baby swing he’d bought a week before. His son was sleeping, so Rafael had to deny himself the urge to hold him and squeeze him tight. Lucy was in the kitchen, doing dishes. “Hey,” she said. “They both were great today. Ben seems pretty tired though. He’s been sleeping a lot.” 

“Did he eat?” Rafael asked. 

“He didn’t want his bottles,” Lucy said. “I got him to drink two, and we did tube feedings otherwise.” Rafael had this sinking feeling. What was wrong with his son? He was just a baby. A baby with a compromised immune system, and Rafael was terrified now. 

He went over to the swing, kneeling down beside Ben and reaching out to feel his forehead. He felt a little warm. He carefully pulled Ben out of the swing, stripping him down to his diaper. He felt Liv’s hand on his back. “It’s alright,” she said softly. “Let’s take his temperature and figure it out from there.” 

“Okay,” he whispered, taking a deep breath. 

………………………..

“His temperature is 99. Yes, I know that’s only slightly elevated,” Rafael said, sounding extremely irritated. Liv was getting Noah some ice cream while Rafael was on the phone with the doctor. He looked stressed out. He’d taken Ben’s temperature at least 3 times, and Liv was doing her best to keep him calm. “He’s not eating, he’s lethargic. He’s only almost a month old.” 

Liv poured a mug of tea from the boiling water she had going on the stove. He needed something to help him calm down. She set the mug down beside him. 

“If something happens to my son because of your negligence, I will sue you for everything you own. I’ll have you brought up on charges so fast, it’ll make your head spin. I’ll have you know, I have the best conviction rate in the city,” Rafael spat, hanging up. He was breathing heavily, looking upset and very worried. Liv ran a hand over the back of his neck, moving to sit beside him. 

“Take a deep breath,” she said softly. “What did they say?” 

“That he probably has a bug that will clear up. They said to call tomorrow if it’s worse or take him to the ER if he’s considerably worse overnight,” Rafael said, rubbing his hand across his forehead. He had Ben in the crib Liv used when they stayed over. “I’m going to get out of your hair. I’ll try to get some sleep.” 

“Rafa,” Liv said. “You don’t have to go home.” 

“I want to get him in his own bed. Maybe I’ll give him a cool bath. I’ll call you, okay?” he said, and Liv nodded. 

“Hang in there,” she said. She helped him get Ben situated in his carseat, and she was a little bit concerned too. The baby was fast asleep. He didn’t even open his eyes when Rafael picked up the carseat. “And maybe you could try some baby tylenol. He’s gained a little bit of weight. I’d ask the doctor.” 

“I’ll pick some up,” Rafael said tiredly. He pulled Liv in for a hug, and she froze for a second, but then she squeezed him close. 

“Call me,” she said. 

“I promise,” he replied before heading out the door. 

……………………………….

Rafael flopped into bed. He’d given Ben a cool bath and moved the crib to his room so he could keep an eye on him. Ben was so tired. Rafael had given him some more formula before putting him down, but Ben had spit up a lot of it onto Rafael’s shirt. He was planning on checking his temperature again in two hours when it was time to feed him again. He wasn’t sure how much sleep he was going to get. Rafael reached for his phone. He had promised to call Liv. 

She answered on the third ring. “Hey,” she said softly. “How is he?” 

“Sleeping. He spit up all of his milk on me, but we survived a bath,” Rafael said. “I’ll probably be staring at him all night to make sure he’s still breathing.” 

“Well, lucky you. You have me to keep you company,” Liv said. He smiled. 

“Liv,” he whispered softly. 

“Hmm?” she asked. 

“I have no idea what I would do without you,” he whispered. 

“You’re welcome,” she murmured back. “Wanna watch a movie?” 

“Sure,” Rafael said, reaching for the remote to turn on his tv. “Any Netflix ideas?” 

“I’m sure we can find something,” Liv said. 

………………………………..

Rafael woke up to the sound of the door opening. He jerked away, accidentally kicking the leg of the coffee table. He blinked, looking around with confusion. He was exhausted. He’d gotten up early to feed Ben who had been crying at an insane hour of the morning, and then he’d settled on the couch, hoping Ben might be interested in playing a little bit, but he was cranky. He wouldn’t even calm down for the pacifier, and he was still running a temperature. Ben had finally fallen asleep, and apparently, so had he. “Hey, Rafa.” Liv’s voice was soft. “I brought you some breakfast, how’s Ben?” 

“Ben,” he said, sitting up, looking frantically for his son, but he was right there, in the crib that Rafael had dragged out to the living room. Ben was looking around curiously and waving his fist in front of his eyes. “I must’ve fallen asleep. He seems better,” Rafael said, reaching for Ben. He felt a little cooler. 

“Come on, sit down,” Liv said. “You need to eat something.” Rafael shifted Ben around, carrying him to the table. He stroked Ben’s back, trying to comfort him as Liv brought him a container of food. “Here, I’ll hold him. Eat your breakfast.” 

“What time did you fall asleep?” Rafael asked. 

“About twenty minutes after you started snoring,” Liv replied. He laughed. She took Ben, sitting down across from him as he ate the first of two breakfast burritos that were in the styrofoam container. 

“Thank you,” he said softly. 

“You should take a nap,” Liv said. 

“Maybe,” he said. He took another bite of his burrito. 

“I’ll go get him another bottle. We don’t want him to get dehydrated,” Liv said. She turned around, starting to mix the formula, but then, she heard a soft thump behind her. She looked at the table, and Rafael was slumped over, burrito still in his hand, and he was fast asleep. Liv shook her head. 

…………………………

When Rafael woke up, he wasn’t entirely sure how he’d made it into bed. He sat up, rubbing his eyes and trying to wake up before heading out to the living room where Liv was sitting on the couch with Ben in his arms. Noah was on the floor by the couch, watching tv. “Hey,” he said softly. 

“Hey,” Liv replied. “Ben is feeling much better.” 

“He is?” Rafael asked, feeling relief coursing throughout his body. “How did I--How did I end up in bed?” 

“You don’t remember?” Liv asked with a laugh, and he shook his head. “You fell asleep at the table with a burrito in your hand. You were probably still half asleep when I took you back to the bedroom.” He laughed softly, taking a seat on the couch beside her. 

“Hey, Noah,” he said. “How are you.” 

“Good,” Noah said, but he was distracted by the tv show he was watching. Liv handed him Ben who opened his eyes and looked up at Rafael. He smiled down at his son who reached a hand up toward his father. 

“Hey,” he whispered. “Are you feeling better, Benny? Huh? You feel cooler. Yes you do.” 

“He spit up a lot of milk the first time I fed him, but he kept the last two bottles down. I know you’ve started to do every four hours, but I did every two since he didn’t eat earlier,” Liv said. 

“Thank you,” Rafael said. “He seems a lot better.” 

“I figured you could use some help,” Liv said. 

“I’m just glad he’s feeling better. He’s good at scaring me,” Rafael murmured. “Do you want to play, Ben?” Ben was waving his arms around more and more, and Rafael loved watching him figure out how to move. He sat on the floor with Ben, making silly faces at him, and Noah joined in. 

“Why isn’t he laughing?” Noah asked after a couple of moments. 

“He doesn’t know how yet,” Rafael replied softly. “He doesn’t even know how to move his arms very well, but he’s learning. Making silly faces and talking to Ben helps him to learn, so he can do it on his own eventually.” 

“When’s he gonna have to make this face?” Noah asked, sticking his tongue out and scrunching his face up into a funny looking expression. 

“You keep making that face and it might freeze that way,” Liv said, and Noah looked alarmed for a second. 

“Nah uh,” Noah said. 

“Mmhmm,” Liv said, staring him down. Noah crossed his arms. “Uncle Rafa is just trying to get Ben to move his face. The more he practices, the easier it will be for him, and then, maybe he can smile.” 

“Can I hold him?” Noah asked. 

“Sure,” Rafael said, carefully picking Ben up from the floor. He shifted him into Noah’s arms, sitting with the young boy so he could help him keep the baby supported. Rafael stroked his hand over Noah’s curls. “Ben likes you,” he said softly. 

“He has a lot of hair,” Noah said. “It’s kinda curly like mine.” Rafael smiled. Noah wasn’t wrong. Ben’s hair was mostly straight, but it curled up at the ends a little bit like Rafael’s would when he let it grow out too much or if it got wet. “Does Ben like stories?” Noah asked. 

“Yeah, I think he likes them,” Rafael said. “We read all the time. It’s good for him to hear you talk.” 

“I’m Noah, Ben,” Noah said, and Rafael smiled, rubbing his back. “Can we read a book, Uncle Rafa?” 

“Sure,” Rafael said. “I’ll go get one.” He tousled Noah’s hair, standing up and smiling. Liv was on his couch, and Noah was there holding his son. It was everything he’d ever wanted. 

………………………………...

Noah was yanking on Rafael’s hand, and he laughed, letting Noah pull him toward the glass of the fish tank. There were dolphins in the water, and Rafael lifted Noah up so he could see. Liv was pushing the stroller for him. “Look!” Noah yelled. “It’s a dolphin.” 

“There are some penguins close by,” Liv said, but Noah had his own ideas. 

“I wanna see a polar bear!” Noah yelled, and Liv put a hand on his shoulder. 

“Noah, inside voice,” she said. It was too late though. Ben started crying. Rafael pulled Ben out of the stroller. 

“Sorry,” Noah said softly. 

“It’s alright, Noah,” Rafael said. He rocked Ben, trying to calm him down the best he could. “Shh, Benny bear, it’s okay.” Liv handed him the pacifier, and that did the trick. Ben sniffled, and Rafael held him for a couple more moments before he put him back in the stroller. “How about we get some lunch, and then maybe we can find some polar bears,” Rafael said softly. 

“I think that’s a great idea,” Liv said, grabbing Noah’s hand. 

“What are you guys hungry for?” Rafael asked. “Lunch is on me.” 

“Can we have ice cream?” Noah asked, and Rafael laughed. 

“Lunch first,” Liv said. “I think I saw a burger place when we were walking over here after seeing the monkeys. What do you think, Noah?” 

“Okay,” Noah said. “But then can I have ice cream?” 

“Sure, buddy,” Liv said. “Come on.” 

……………………

Liv loved watching Rafael with Noah. There was something about it that warmed her heart. Rafael was sitting with Noah who didn’t want to eat his french fries, but Rafael was making a game out of it. They were racing to see who could eat their fries faster, and Liv was laughing at them. Noah thought it was funny too, and laughing made it harder for him to eat. “Wait, Uncle Rafa, wait. Time out,” Noah said. 

“There are no time outs,” Rafael said, but he stopped anyways. “Alright, I don’t want you to choke. Finish laughing and take a drink.” Noah sipped his water like Rafael said. “Okay, ready?” Noah shook his head, but then he started shoving fries in his mouth. “Hey!” Rafael laughed. “Cheater!” Liv shook her head as she peeked down at Ben who was still in his stroller, happily sucking on his pacifier. 

Noah finished his fries faster, and he grinned at Rafael who was smiling back. “I win!” Noah said excitedly. 

“Noah, be nice,” Liv said. “You have to be a good winner.” 

“Okay, sorry, Uncle Rafa,” Noah said. 

“It’s fine, buddy. You still want that ice cream?” Rafael asked. Noah nodded enthusiastically. Rafael glanced at Liv, and she nodded. She watched as Rafael took Noah to get ice cream. Liv took Ben out of the stroller, holding him close. She reached into the diaper bag that was hanging off the stroller for Ben’s bottle. She was sure he was getting to be hungry. When she looked back, Rafael had given Noah a couple of dollar bills, and he was holding him up so he could hand the money to the cashier. Noah came back with a giant ice cream sundae, and Rafael had a little vanilla cone for himself. “Do you want anything?” Rafael asked. Liv shook her head. 

“I’ve never known you to eat a small ice cream,” Liv said. He smiled a little bit, glancing at Ben. 

“I’m watching my cholesterol,” Rafael said. “Trying to eat a little better.” She smiled a little bit at him, and he smiled back. She went back to feeding Ben, and Rafael was talking to Noah and making him laugh as he went to town on his ice cream. 

Liv fed Ben who finished his whole bottle, and Liv burped him before getting him back in the stroller. She couldn’t help but smile when Rafael volunteered to take Noah to the bathroom and clean off his sticky face. 

She looked down at Ben again. Before him, things had been different, but she wouldn’t change what had happened for the world. Ben had somehow brought them all closer together, and Liv definitely wasn’t complaining. She couldn’t wipe the smile from her face. 

……………………….

Rafael was laying on his back on the floor, Ben laying on top of his chest. He had the phone on speaker by his head. He was helping Ben move his legs as he talked to Liv. “I really need that warrant, Rafa,” Liv said. 

“I know you do, and when you get me more evidence, maybe I can help you,” Rafael replied. “Isn’t that right, Ben? Aunt Liv needs to get us more evidence. Ben agrees.” 

“Low blow, Rafa,” Liv said. “Using the baby to argue with me.” 

“I’ll see what I can do, but I can’t promise you anything,” Rafael finally said with a sigh. 

“Thank you,” Liv replied. She was quiet for a moment. “So, Noah was wondering if you and Ben wanted to go to the park this weekend?” 

“Noah was wondering?” Rafael teased. 

“Maybe I was wondering a little bit too. I like seeing my best friend,” Liv said. He smiled. 

“I’m not sure, I should probably check Ben’s schedule,” Rafael said. Liv snorted. 

“I know, he’s a very popular baby,” Liv replied. “I hope he can spare some time for little old me and Noah.” 

“We can always find time for you,” Rafael said, a dopey smile breaking out on his face. “What do you think, Ben? We’re gonna have another play date with Aunt Liv and Noah.” Rafael kissed the top of Ben’s head. He was moving a lot better every single day. Rafael did his best to play with him for at least an hour when he made it home from work. Sometimes, there was more cuddling than playing, especially when Rafael was really tired, but he was trying to be better. He was trying to be his best for Ben. 

Rafael could barely breathe when he thought about how much he loved Ben. He’d never imagined it was like this for parents. He knew his mother loved him, but he never really knew how much. The way he felt about Ben, it made him wonder how his father had ever been able to snap his bones in half and beat him half to death. He was just glad that he could find a way to be different. He was glad that his mother was acting differently. She wanted Ben for the weekend. His eyes went wide. “Liv,” he said. “I think I’m going to have to take a raincheck for this weekend. At least for Ben. I forgot. My mom wanted to watch him.” 

“That’s alright, we can reschedule,” Liv said. “What are you gonna do with yourself this weekend?” 

“Sleep,” Rafael said softly. 

“Do you want some company?” Liv asked. “You can come over.” 

“Maybe,” Rafael said. “I don’t want to get in your way.” 

“You won’t be. Noah has been wanting to see you again. I know you’re gonna be missing Ben,” Liv said. 

“I’m sure I’ll be thinking about him,” Rafael said. “Maybe you’re right.” Rafael let Ben grab onto his fingers. He had a tight grip, and sometimes, it was hard for him to pull his fingers from the baby’s hands. “You’re so strong, Benny. You’re such a strong boy.” 

“He has your fingers again?” Liv asked, sounding amused. 

“He’s squeezing them real tight,” Rafael said with a laugh. 

“You’re never going to get both of them away from him,” Liv said, and he shook his head. 

“It’s like one of those chinese finger traps,” Rafael replied. He started pulling his hands away a little bit, but Ben wasn’t letting go. “I’m stuck,” he said, and Liv snorted. “Benny, come on.” 

Liv laughed at him. “I’ll leave you to that. Good luck getting out.” 

“If you don’t hear from me tomorrow, Ben is still holding me captive. You’ll have to send a negotiator,” Rafael said. Liv laughed again. “Bye,” Rafael whispered. 

“Bye, Rafa,” Liv said. Then he was alone with his son. 

Ben still wasn’t moving as much as Rafael would have liked. He wasn’t opening his hand, and he mostly just moved his arms, not his legs very much. He was still behind, and Rafael knew that it wasn’t abnormal, but it was hard for him not to worry. He only wanted the best for Ben. He wanted Ben to learn how to do everything that another child could, but he could only do so much for him. He just had to believe that Ben would catch up eventually. Rafael had to use the inhaler more than once in the last week for Ben, and he hated that. He was just grateful that it cleared things up so Ben could actually breathe. 

He couldn’t seem to catch a break at work. It seemed like the news that he had a son had spread like wildfire, and he knew it was probably his own fault for taking Ben into the court room, but there were a lot of questions that he didn’t know how to answer. He didn’t want to tell people about how Ben’s mother had left him on Rafael’s doorstep. He still didn’t know how to feel about that. He didn’t know what to do. Liv thought he should establish his custody over Ben, but he didn’t want to ruin any possibility of Ben ever knowing his mother. He didn’t want his son to think that he wasn’t loved. He couldn’t control Elena’s feelings, but he could make Ben feel as loved as possible. He could leave the chance for his son to have a mother open. 

It was never going to get easier. He knew that, and he had accepted that. He could make tough decisions, or at least, he thought he could. He needed to try and make the right decisions for Ben, but it was harder when he loved him so damn much. It was hard to trust his own judgement sometimes. He understood some of the conversations he’d had with Liv better. He wished he had been better at giving her advice. 

Ben finally let go of Rafael’s fingers, and he pulled Ben close, sitting up and holding his son tight. “I love you, Ben,” he whispered. “I’ll always love you, and I’m trying my best. I hope you know that, son.”


End file.
